FINAL for the Season: Stories of Christmas #23

"Close your eyes darlin'" whispered Santa.

And then the dolls were upon them.

Stories of Christmas #22

This photo, snapped a split second before the explosion, shows Biddie KNEW there was C4 in the popper.

All that was found of the cookie-baking-champion was a burned paper hat and her uneaten fruitcake.

Stories of Christmas #21

The giant brought down his hammer for the final blow, destroying the manger.

He laughed, for he knew that Mary and Joseph would be pissed.

Stories of Christmas #20

"Oh and you have the cutest little beard too!" cooed Katie.

Mike Cringle blushed and chuckled aloud, feeling his lap get warm.

The distraction was exactly what Charlene needed as she raised the steel bar above her head...

Soon after Mike's remains had been put to rest, his brother Kris took over the business, instituting the "Naughty or Nice" list and a blanket edict for "coal in the stockings" of marching band strippers.

Stories of Christmas #19

"Now do something funny!" shouted the photographer from behind his viewfinder.

Mom desperately blurted out, "The Rockettes! Everybody kick a leg!"

The family Swarzak did so as if they'd been on a chorus line their entire lives.

Mom still quietly worried... Would this year's Christmas card photo distract people from the corsage growing out of her left breast?

Stories of Christmas #18

Cindy waited patiently for her parents to wake up.
The anticipation was almost unbearable as she'd been rehearsing since November.

She went down her mental checklist.

Stare at the tree.
Be unresponsive when they called to her.
Turn slowly with a blank stare.
Release bladder.
And say---...?

Her line escaped her. Oh god what was it?
There was only one, how could she forget?!
Oh right! She had it.
"You're all gonna die."

Oh how they'd scream.
She smirked.

Stories of Christmas #17

Santa dismounted from his sleigh wearily and stopped in his tracks.

There sat Mrs. Claus.

A strange 48 page Christmas list etched in a composition notebook lay before her.

The reindeer snorted restlessly.

As he blacked out he heard one of the elves exclaim in his helium-pitched voice "John Doe has the upper hand!"

Stories of Christmas #16

St. Nick flipped through the book: So You Wanna Be Santa? drawing his finger down the "Prerequisites" page. He finally stopped mid-page...

"See? It says it right here. 'Santa Claus MUST be of at least five feet high in order to serve as Santa Claus.' You boys may as well stop your campaigning and growing your beards. "

The elves exhaled in defeat.
They knew their insubordination would be met with candy-cane whippings.

Stories of Christmas #15

Each German scientist built their own Santa Super Soldier for the contest.

Dr. Szell was the undisputed winner because of the robot boy companion he made for extra credit.

Stories of Christmas #14

"... I know if you've been bad or good, so be GOOD for goodness sake."

Lucy's eyes went wide with fear as she listened to Santa lecture Anna.

Her mind turned to the man she pushed down the well earlier in the week. She worried about it harming her chances of getting a 'Sally Poops-A-Lot' Doll. She felt the cold sweats start again.

Stories of Christmas #13

"Don't worry kids. I'll have this new mom of yours inflated any second and ready to put under the tree." seaman Casey said between breaths.

The siamese triplets looked on in elation, boredom and wonder.

Stories of Christmas #12

"And ANOTHER thing, Claus!" Cindy shouted, "It's a PIANOSTOVE, not a piano and a stove!" she shouted into the phone.

"I want to be able to cook a cupcake while pounding out 'Chopsticks.' And be sure to get me that Trunk-Toyz-Cat-Bead-Pail too!... I don't KNOW what it is, fat man! That's not a 'MP,' that's a 'CP'--CLAUS PROBLEM!"

Barney the Bunny, and assistant to Cindy, quivered in the corner.

There must be better work out there for a stuffed rabbit, he thought with his cotton brain.

Stories of Christmas #11

Esther exited the store with a scowl.
She had purchased one of everything, but still felt empty inside.

"Home then, m'lady?" Reginald asked.

A gleam of an idea twinkled in her eye.

"No," she said with a spreading grin of glee, "To the shelter... It's Christmas... and I want to find a homeless man to hunt."

Stories of Christmas #10

He was gone in an instant with nary a scream.

A belch of smoke... and the house returned to waiting...

For it was Christmas Eve and the chimney was hungry.

Stories of Christmas #9

Roy tugged on the satin bow and leaned in.

"You look nice Rudolph." he slurred.

Charlie froze like a reindeer in headlights.
He felt his knees buckle.

Here in the back boot room... where no one could hear you scream... this was not going to go well.

Stories of Christmas #8

"See Davey? I used grenades as ornaments and this det-cord as garland." said Tommy as he intently wrapped the cord around the dry tinder of the tree.

"Isn't that dangerous?" asked Davey as he lowered his lit cigarette...

Stories of Christmas #7

Donna waited for the wet slap sound of impact to know the "present" had been delivered.

The candle did help keep the odor away and she made a mental note to thank her partner-in-crap, Jules.

Stories of Christmas #6

The "Black Hats" had arrived.
And they were looking... for the cookies.

Stephen kept his composure as the one they nicknamed "Frowny" searched his jacket. He eyed the girls across the room and prayed they'd do the same.

The Leader began to untie Cindy's coat belt when it happened.

"IT WAS HER! SHE'S GOT THEM!" Cindy exclaimed pointing at Rachel. "They're taped in a bundle to her belly!"

Rachel scowled and stared daggers at her sister.
If she ever made it out of this alive, she'd make Cindy pay. Oh she'd pay.

Stories of Christmas #5

"It's time to get real: SURREAL." Salvador exclaimed donning his white and red cap and giving the heavy metal devil-sign.
"SANTA DALI is ready to destroy! Where my nog at?!"