MORSELS OF MADNESS

TROOP! featured in Backstage Magazine Article...

2008-06-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

Horn tootin' time.

As TROOP! gets ready for Sketchfest NYC, the publicity machine is whirring to life.

Check out an article in BACKSTAGE Magazine HERE on the fest... featuring a quote from yours truly.

GTA IV comes out: TROOP! productivity drops

2008-04-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you all have heard about this, but a little video game called "Grand Theft Auto IV" came out yesterday.

Here are a collection of TROOP! comments about this family-friendly party game that is being touted as "The Pong-killer"...

"I only had about an hour and a half to play. I was so wrapped up in the story and how you could go bowling and look through those view finder things on the boardwalk that I didn't even take the time to get with a hooker and kill her to get my money back... maybe I'm just growing up."

"I STOPPED bowling so I could get to killing. Did I miss something by not bowling? She still wants to see me."

"I got into a firefight with the cops on the beach. Word to the wise, do NOT drive a Mercedes SL500 knock-off on the beach."

"Michelle is hot. You can always kill her if she gets too clingy."

"It was a feat of maturity not to call in sick today."

"I don't know, she's really hard to talk to. Then again, I guess all American women are and that's something I'm going to have to get used to. There's a lot I'm going to have to get used to."

"I did some early missions in the worst car of all time. I have also forgotten how to drive. Oh and I beat up a homeless guy."

"I shouldn't give you advice about women. I accidentally dropped a molotov cocktail on her and she went home. I had to do the date over."

"I really need to get a gun. I just have a switchblade now, which is really a hard thing to kill cops with."

"I don't know how, but I have a shotgun AND a handgun. Tonight I'm gonna get a hot dog and then blow the vendor to hell."

"I punched a dude through a window."

"I played multiplayer with foreign kids. Nobody knew what they were doing."

"Last night I was run over by a 747 on the Liberty City Airport tarmac."

"I may have to train my body not to sleep."

Doctor Strange

2008-04-14T18:42:00.001-07:00

I just learned today that my mom's doctor is named Dr. Strange.

Which, of course, means that my mother is Baron Mordo.

Which explains A LOT.

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here! PT 5

2008-03-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

I know I've been talking about mankind's hastening of the impending robot uprising for some time but THIS happened today:

MAN SHOT BY KILLER ROBOT
Tony Wilson

19Mar08
AN 81-year-old Gold Coast man built, and yesterday used, an intricate suicide machine to remotely shoot himself, after downloading the plans from the internet.

The Burleigh Heads man, who lived alone, left notes of his plans and thoughts as he struggled to come to terms with demands by interstate relatives that he move out his home and into care.

He spent hours searching the internet for a way to kill himself, downloaded what he needed and then built a complex machine that would remotely fire a gun.

He set the device up in his driveway about 7am yesterday, placed himself in front of it and set it in motion.

His notes explained that he chose the driveway as he knew there were tradesmen working next door who would find his body. The plan worked as the workmen heard the gunshots and ran to investigate.

The Gold Coast Bulletin will not reveal how the machine worked, but it was attached to a .22 semi-automatic pistol loaded with four bullets.

It was able to fire multiple shots into the man's head after he activated it.

Suicide experts told The Gold Coast Bulletin that such machines were not unheard of, but were very rare.

In November last year, a euthanasia campaigner who once compared her plight to that of a sick dog, took her own life, ending her battle with bladder cancer and multiple sclerosis.

Warwick mother-of-four June Burns, 67, was finally at peace after taking her life, said her husband Bob.

Euthanasia campaigner Philip Nitschke said she died after using a drug she had kept since the late 1990s.

Mr Burns said his wife had been comforted during her illness by the fact she had a way to end her life.

SEEEEE???? What have I been telling you?!

Oh sure, I can hear the robots defending him now in their whiny robot voices:
"Ohhh but he BUILT the robot to kill him. That was all the robot knew how to DO."

Bull.
They didn't just bend Asimov's rules of robotics, they shattered 'em.
This is how World War 1 started and "the Burleigh Heads man" was Archduke Ferdinand.

Let it be known: March 19th, the day the first shot was fired. Literally.

I'm gonna start by trashing my tin wind-up toy robot collection.

Watch out robots. It's ON.

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here! PT 4

2008-03-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, I wasn't kidding when I said the scientists were quite busy making leaps and strides in robot development --or what I call "hastening the robot uprising."

Today's installment?

Why our intrepid scientists have engineered a four-legged robot called "Big Dog." The video is a little longer than a quick watch so I'll direct you to the important parts.

Important Part #1 comes in at around :35 seconds when its booted creator tries to kick it over. Does it fall over so we can then rush in with our plasma rifles and shoot it? Nope. It stumbles and continues to seek out its Terminator brethren to alert them to our presence. I'm sure the conversation went something like this:
[robot bark]
"What's that boy? A human in grunge gear tried to kick you over?"
[robot bark]
"Well I'm holding two plasma cannons just show me where to get them"

Important Part #2 clocks in at around 3:03 when our lovable but nearsighted scientists have taught "Big Dog" to GALLOP. And more importantly the shocking twist at 3:06 when it LEAPS over what I can only assume will be a trap humans have set for the beast.

Keep it up scientists.
It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine.

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here: PT 3!

2008-03-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've heard any news about robot development. I actually was getting some hope that perhaps scientists had seen the error of their ways and had stopped their robot research.
But no.
Actually they've been quite busy.

Doing what you ask?

Why teaching fallen robots to stand up, of course.

Take a look:

So now when we shoot them or karate chop them and walk away like a bad-ass... we have to do a double-take as they leap to their feet.
Nice going, scientists.
Say, how's that human-vaporizing plasma rifle coming?

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition - The Bottom Line

2008-02-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

According to Cynopsis:

Sports Illustrated says its multimedia Swimsuit edition garnered more than 228 million page views during its first 10 days online (an increase of 41% from 2007). The digital spread set new standards for traffic, engagement (over 6 minutes per user), page views per user (31) and overall unique visitors (5.4 million), according to internal Omniture figures. New features include a mash-up tool that allows users to mix images of 4 or their favorite models.

Bottom line: What have we gleaned from this information?
Well...

A man takes about 6 minutes to masturbate to completion while looking at the swimsuit edition...

...Can maneuver through 31 different pages with one hand...

...And can mash-up images to make an eight boobed uber model.

FINAL for the Season: Stories of Christmas #23

2007-12-25T17:26:00.000-08:00

"Close your eyes darlin'" whispered Santa.

And then the dolls were upon them.

Stories of Christmas #22

2007-12-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

This photo, snapped a split second before the explosion, shows Biddie KNEW there was C4 in the popper.

All that was found of the cookie-baking-champion was a burned paper hat and her uneaten fruitcake.

Stories of Christmas #21

2007-12-23T17:24:00.000-08:00

The giant brought down his hammer for the final blow, destroying the manger.

He laughed, for he knew that Mary and Joseph would be pissed.

Stories of Christmas #20

2007-12-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

"Oh and you have the cutest little beard too!" cooed Katie.

Mike Cringle blushed and chuckled aloud, feeling his lap get warm.

The distraction was exactly what Charlene needed as she raised the steel bar above her head...

Soon after Mike's remains had been put to rest, his brother Kris took over the business, instituting the "Naughty or Nice" list and a blanket edict for "coal in the stockings" of marching band strippers.

Stories of Christmas #19

2007-12-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

"Now do something funny!" shouted the photographer from behind his viewfinder.

Mom desperately blurted out, "The Rockettes! Everybody kick a leg!"

The family Swarzak did so as if they'd been on a chorus line their entire lives.

Mom still quietly worried... Would this year's Christmas card photo distract people from the corsage growing out of her left breast?

Stories of Christmas #18

2007-12-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

Cindy waited patiently for her parents to wake up.
The anticipation was almost unbearable as she'd been rehearsing since November.

She went down her mental checklist.

Stare at the tree.
Be unresponsive when they called to her.
Turn slowly with a blank stare.
Release bladder.
And say---...?

Her line escaped her. Oh god what was it?
There was only one, how could she forget?!
Oh right! She had it.
"You're all gonna die."

Oh how they'd scream.
She smirked.

Stories of Christmas #17

2007-12-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

Santa dismounted from his sleigh wearily and stopped in his tracks.

There sat Mrs. Claus.

A strange 48 page Christmas list etched in a composition notebook lay before her.

The reindeer snorted restlessly.

As he blacked out he heard one of the elves exclaim in his helium-pitched voice "John Doe has the upper hand!"

Stories of Christmas #16

2007-12-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

St. Nick flipped through the book: So You Wanna Be Santa? drawing his finger down the "Prerequisites" page. He finally stopped mid-page...

"See? It says it right here. 'Santa Claus MUST be of at least five feet high in order to serve as Santa Claus.' You boys may as well stop your campaigning and growing your beards. "

The elves exhaled in defeat.
They knew their insubordination would be met with candy-cane whippings.

Stories of Christmas #15

2007-12-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

Each German scientist built their own Santa Super Soldier for the contest.

Dr. Szell was the undisputed winner because of the robot boy companion he made for extra credit.

Stories of Christmas #14

2007-12-14T16:01:00.000-08:00

"... I know if you've been bad or good, so be GOOD for goodness sake."

Lucy's eyes went wide with fear as she listened to Santa lecture Anna.

Her mind turned to the man she pushed down the well earlier in the week. She worried about it harming her chances of getting a 'Sally Poops-A-Lot' Doll. She felt the cold sweats start again.

Stories of Christmas #13

2007-12-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

"Don't worry kids. I'll have this new mom of yours inflated any second and ready to put under the tree." seaman Casey said between breaths.

The siamese triplets looked on in elation, boredom and wonder.

Stories of Christmas #12

2007-12-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

"And ANOTHER thing, Claus!" Cindy shouted, "It's a PIANOSTOVE, not a piano and a stove!" she shouted into the phone.

"I want to be able to cook a cupcake while pounding out 'Chopsticks.' And be sure to get me that Trunk-Toyz-Cat-Bead-Pail too!... I don't KNOW what it is, fat man! That's not a 'MP,' that's a 'CP'--CLAUS PROBLEM!"

Barney the Bunny, and assistant to Cindy, quivered in the corner.

There must be better work out there for a stuffed rabbit, he thought with his cotton brain.

Stories of Christmas #11

2007-12-11T13:44:00.000-08:00

Esther exited the store with a scowl.
She had purchased one of everything, but still felt empty inside.

"Home then, m'lady?" Reginald asked.

A gleam of an idea twinkled in her eye.

"No," she said with a spreading grin of glee, "To the shelter... It's Christmas... and I want to find a homeless man to hunt."

Stories of Christmas #10

2007-12-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

He was gone in an instant with nary a scream.

A belch of smoke... and the house returned to waiting...

For it was Christmas Eve and the chimney was hungry.

Stories of Christmas #9

2007-12-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

Roy tugged on the satin bow and leaned in.

"You look nice Rudolph." he slurred.

Charlie froze like a reindeer in headlights.
He felt his knees buckle.

Here in the back boot room... where no one could hear you scream... this was not going to go well.

Stories of Christmas #8

2007-12-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

"See Davey? I used grenades as ornaments and this det-cord as garland." said Tommy as he intently wrapped the cord around the dry tinder of the tree.

"Isn't that dangerous?" asked Davey as he lowered his lit cigarette...

Stories of Christmas #7

2007-12-05T18:08:00.000-08:00

Donna waited for the wet slap sound of impact to know the "present" had been delivered.

The candle did help keep the odor away and she made a mental note to thank her partner-in-crap, Jules.

Stories of Christmas #6

2007-12-04T10:42:00.001-08:00

The "Black Hats" had arrived.
And they were looking... for the cookies.

Stephen kept his composure as the one they nicknamed "Frowny" searched his jacket. He eyed the girls across the room and prayed they'd do the same.

The Leader began to untie Cindy's coat belt when it happened.

"IT WAS HER! SHE'S GOT THEM!" Cindy exclaimed pointing at Rachel. "They're taped in a bundle to her belly!"

Rachel scowled and stared daggers at her sister.
If she ever made it out of this alive, she'd make Cindy pay. Oh she'd pay.