MORSELS OF MADNESS

TROOP! featured in Backstage Magazine Article...

2008-06-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

Horn tootin' time.

As TROOP! gets ready for Sketchfest NYC, the publicity machine is whirring to life.

Check out an article in BACKSTAGE Magazine HERE on the fest... featuring a quote from yours truly.

GTA IV comes out: TROOP! productivity drops

2008-04-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you all have heard about this, but a little video game called "Grand Theft Auto IV" came out yesterday.

Here are a collection of TROOP! comments about this family-friendly party game that is being touted as "The Pong-killer"...

"I only had about an hour and a half to play. I was so wrapped up in the story and how you could go bowling and look through those view finder things on the boardwalk that I didn't even take the time to get with a hooker and kill her to get my money back... maybe I'm just growing up."

"I STOPPED bowling so I could get to killing. Did I miss something by not bowling? She still wants to see me."

"I got into a firefight with the cops on the beach. Word to the wise, do NOT drive a Mercedes SL500 knock-off on the beach."

"Michelle is hot. You can always kill her if she gets too clingy."

"It was a feat of maturity not to call in sick today."

"I don't know, she's really hard to talk to. Then again, I guess all American women are and that's something I'm going to have to get used to. There's a lot I'm going to have to get used to."

"I did some early missions in the worst car of all time. I have also forgotten how to drive. Oh and I beat up a homeless guy."

"I shouldn't give you advice about women. I accidentally dropped a molotov cocktail on her and she went home. I had to do the date over."

"I really need to get a gun. I just have a switchblade now, which is really a hard thing to kill cops with."

"I don't know how, but I have a shotgun AND a handgun. Tonight I'm gonna get a hot dog and then blow the vendor to hell."

"I punched a dude through a window."

"I played multiplayer with foreign kids. Nobody knew what they were doing."

"Last night I was run over by a 747 on the Liberty City Airport tarmac."

"I may have to train my body not to sleep."

Doctor Strange

2008-04-14T18:42:00.001-07:00

I just learned today that my mom's doctor is named Dr. Strange.

Which, of course, means that my mother is Baron Mordo.

Which explains A LOT.

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here! PT 5

2008-03-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

I know I've been talking about mankind's hastening of the impending robot uprising for some time but THIS happened today:

MAN SHOT BY KILLER ROBOT
Tony Wilson

19Mar08
AN 81-year-old Gold Coast man built, and yesterday used, an intricate suicide machine to remotely shoot himself, after downloading the plans from the internet.

The Burleigh Heads man, who lived alone, left notes of his plans and thoughts as he struggled to come to terms with demands by interstate relatives that he move out his home and into care.

He spent hours searching the internet for a way to kill himself, downloaded what he needed and then built a complex machine that would remotely fire a gun.

He set the device up in his driveway about 7am yesterday, placed himself in front of it and set it in motion.

His notes explained that he chose the driveway as he knew there were tradesmen working next door who would find his body. The plan worked as the workmen heard the gunshots and ran to investigate.

The Gold Coast Bulletin will not reveal how the machine worked, but it was attached to a .22 semi-automatic pistol loaded with four bullets.

It was able to fire multiple shots into the man's head after he activated it.

Suicide experts told The Gold Coast Bulletin that such machines were not unheard of, but were very rare.

In November last year, a euthanasia campaigner who once compared her plight to that of a sick dog, took her own life, ending her battle with bladder cancer and multiple sclerosis.

Warwick mother-of-four June Burns, 67, was finally at peace after taking her life, said her husband Bob.

Euthanasia campaigner Philip Nitschke said she died after using a drug she had kept since the late 1990s.

Mr Burns said his wife had been comforted during her illness by the fact she had a way to end her life.

SEEEEE???? What have I been telling you?!

Oh sure, I can hear the robots defending him now in their whiny robot voices:
"Ohhh but he BUILT the robot to kill him. That was all the robot knew how to DO."

Bull.
They didn't just bend Asimov's rules of robotics, they shattered 'em.
This is how World War 1 started and "the Burleigh Heads man" was Archduke Ferdinand.

Let it be known: March 19th, the day the first shot was fired. Literally.

I'm gonna start by trashing my tin wind-up toy robot collection.

Watch out robots. It's ON.

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here! PT 4

2008-03-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, I wasn't kidding when I said the scientists were quite busy making leaps and strides in robot development --or what I call "hastening the robot uprising."

Today's installment?

Why our intrepid scientists have engineered a four-legged robot called "Big Dog." The video is a little longer than a quick watch so I'll direct you to the important parts.

Important Part #1 comes in at around :35 seconds when its booted creator tries to kick it over. Does it fall over so we can then rush in with our plasma rifles and shoot it? Nope. It stumbles and continues to seek out its Terminator brethren to alert them to our presence. I'm sure the conversation went something like this:
[robot bark]
"What's that boy? A human in grunge gear tried to kick you over?"
[robot bark]
"Well I'm holding two plasma cannons just show me where to get them"

Important Part #2 clocks in at around 3:03 when our lovable but nearsighted scientists have taught "Big Dog" to GALLOP. And more importantly the shocking twist at 3:06 when it LEAPS over what I can only assume will be a trap humans have set for the beast.

Keep it up scientists.
It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine.

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here: PT 3!

2008-03-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've heard any news about robot development. I actually was getting some hope that perhaps scientists had seen the error of their ways and had stopped their robot research.
But no.
Actually they've been quite busy.

Doing what you ask?

Why teaching fallen robots to stand up, of course.

Take a look:

So now when we shoot them or karate chop them and walk away like a bad-ass... we have to do a double-take as they leap to their feet.
Nice going, scientists.
Say, how's that human-vaporizing plasma rifle coming?

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition - The Bottom Line

2008-02-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

According to Cynopsis:

Sports Illustrated says its multimedia Swimsuit edition garnered more than 228 million page views during its first 10 days online (an increase of 41% from 2007). The digital spread set new standards for traffic, engagement (over 6 minutes per user), page views per user (31) and overall unique visitors (5.4 million), according to internal Omniture figures. New features include a mash-up tool that allows users to mix images of 4 or their favorite models.

Bottom line: What have we gleaned from this information?
Well...

A man takes about 6 minutes to masturbate to completion while looking at the swimsuit edition...

...Can maneuver through 31 different pages with one hand...

...And can mash-up images to make an eight boobed uber model.

FINAL for the Season: Stories of Christmas #23

2007-12-25T17:26:00.000-08:00

"Close your eyes darlin'" whispered Santa.

And then the dolls were upon them.

Stories of Christmas #22

2007-12-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

This photo, snapped a split second before the explosion, shows Biddie KNEW there was C4 in the popper.

All that was found of the cookie-baking-champion was a burned paper hat and her uneaten fruitcake.

Stories of Christmas #21

2007-12-23T17:24:00.000-08:00

The giant brought down his hammer for the final blow, destroying the manger.

He laughed, for he knew that Mary and Joseph would be pissed.

Stories of Christmas #20

2007-12-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

"Oh and you have the cutest little beard too!" cooed Katie.

Mike Cringle blushed and chuckled aloud, feeling his lap get warm.

The distraction was exactly what Charlene needed as she raised the steel bar above her head...

Soon after Mike's remains had been put to rest, his brother Kris took over the business, instituting the "Naughty or Nice" list and a blanket edict for "coal in the stockings" of marching band strippers.

Stories of Christmas #19

2007-12-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

"Now do something funny!" shouted the photographer from behind his viewfinder.

Mom desperately blurted out, "The Rockettes! Everybody kick a leg!"

The family Swarzak did so as if they'd been on a chorus line their entire lives.

Mom still quietly worried... Would this year's Christmas card photo distract people from the corsage growing out of her left breast?

Stories of Christmas #18

2007-12-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

Cindy waited patiently for her parents to wake up.
The anticipation was almost unbearable as she'd been rehearsing since November.

She went down her mental checklist.

Stare at the tree.
Be unresponsive when they called to her.
Turn slowly with a blank stare.
Release bladder.
And say---...?

Her line escaped her. Oh god what was it?
There was only one, how could she forget?!
Oh right! She had it.
"You're all gonna die."

Oh how they'd scream.
She smirked.

Stories of Christmas #17

2007-12-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

Santa dismounted from his sleigh wearily and stopped in his tracks.

There sat Mrs. Claus.

A strange 48 page Christmas list etched in a composition notebook lay before her.

The reindeer snorted restlessly.

As he blacked out he heard one of the elves exclaim in his helium-pitched voice "John Doe has the upper hand!"

Stories of Christmas #16

2007-12-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

St. Nick flipped through the book: So You Wanna Be Santa? drawing his finger down the "Prerequisites" page. He finally stopped mid-page...

"See? It says it right here. 'Santa Claus MUST be of at least five feet high in order to serve as Santa Claus.' You boys may as well stop your campaigning and growing your beards. "

The elves exhaled in defeat.
They knew their insubordination would be met with candy-cane whippings.

Stories of Christmas #15

2007-12-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

Each German scientist built their own Santa Super Soldier for the contest.

Dr. Szell was the undisputed winner because of the robot boy companion he made for extra credit.

Stories of Christmas #14

2007-12-14T16:01:00.000-08:00

"... I know if you've been bad or good, so be GOOD for goodness sake."

Lucy's eyes went wide with fear as she listened to Santa lecture Anna.

Her mind turned to the man she pushed down the well earlier in the week. She worried about it harming her chances of getting a 'Sally Poops-A-Lot' Doll. She felt the cold sweats start again.

Stories of Christmas #13

2007-12-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

"Don't worry kids. I'll have this new mom of yours inflated any second and ready to put under the tree." seaman Casey said between breaths.

The siamese triplets looked on in elation, boredom and wonder.

Stories of Christmas #12

2007-12-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

"And ANOTHER thing, Claus!" Cindy shouted, "It's a PIANOSTOVE, not a piano and a stove!" she shouted into the phone.

"I want to be able to cook a cupcake while pounding out 'Chopsticks.' And be sure to get me that Trunk-Toyz-Cat-Bead-Pail too!... I don't KNOW what it is, fat man! That's not a 'MP,' that's a 'CP'--CLAUS PROBLEM!"

Barney the Bunny, and assistant to Cindy, quivered in the corner.

There must be better work out there for a stuffed rabbit, he thought with his cotton brain.

Stories of Christmas #11

2007-12-11T13:44:00.000-08:00

Esther exited the store with a scowl.
She had purchased one of everything, but still felt empty inside.

"Home then, m'lady?" Reginald asked.

A gleam of an idea twinkled in her eye.

"No," she said with a spreading grin of glee, "To the shelter... It's Christmas... and I want to find a homeless man to hunt."

Stories of Christmas #10

2007-12-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

He was gone in an instant with nary a scream.

A belch of smoke... and the house returned to waiting...

For it was Christmas Eve and the chimney was hungry.

Stories of Christmas #9

2007-12-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

Roy tugged on the satin bow and leaned in.

"You look nice Rudolph." he slurred.

Charlie froze like a reindeer in headlights.
He felt his knees buckle.

Here in the back boot room... where no one could hear you scream... this was not going to go well.

Stories of Christmas #8

2007-12-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

"See Davey? I used grenades as ornaments and this det-cord as garland." said Tommy as he intently wrapped the cord around the dry tinder of the tree.

"Isn't that dangerous?" asked Davey as he lowered his lit cigarette...

Stories of Christmas #7

2007-12-05T18:08:00.000-08:00

Donna waited for the wet slap sound of impact to know the "present" had been delivered.

The candle did help keep the odor away and she made a mental note to thank her partner-in-crap, Jules.

Stories of Christmas #6

2007-12-04T10:42:00.001-08:00

The "Black Hats" had arrived.
And they were looking... for the cookies.

Stephen kept his composure as the one they nicknamed "Frowny" searched his jacket. He eyed the girls across the room and prayed they'd do the same.

The Leader began to untie Cindy's coat belt when it happened.

"IT WAS HER! SHE'S GOT THEM!" Cindy exclaimed pointing at Rachel. "They're taped in a bundle to her belly!"

Rachel scowled and stared daggers at her sister.
If she ever made it out of this alive, she'd make Cindy pay. Oh she'd pay.

Stories of Christmas #5

2007-12-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

"It's time to get real: SURREAL." Salvador exclaimed donning his white and red cap and giving the heavy metal devil-sign.
"SANTA DALI is ready to destroy! Where my nog at?!"

Stories of Christmas #4

2007-11-30T10:24:00.000-08:00

The Santas closed in.

Billy knew they were all harmless... sans one.

The one who wanted his bionic robot legs.

But who?
Who was trying to kill him?

His thoughts were distracted as a St. Nick leaned in, "You've been a good little boy this year! Here, this is for you!"

Behind Billy, the beardless impostor smiled, raising his gift wrapped ionizing laser pistol and hissing "I'll take those bionic robot legs now..."

Stories of Christmas #3

2007-11-29T18:19:00.000-08:00

Her name was Marni.
And she was known as the "Santa Slayer."

With her blonde midget sidekick Henrietta, and her teddy-bear butler "Mr. Baggins" she would strip off her pants and set out to destroy that right jolly old elf every December 25th.

"I'll put a bullet between those twinkling eyes of his THIS year!" she spat. And she laughed at the thought of it, in spite of herself.

Stories of Christmas #2

2007-11-28T10:04:00.001-08:00

The boys froze with fear.

Mouths agape, they watched helplessly as the Christmas tree monster wrapped its branchy arms around them.

Their invitations shook in their tight hands and they realized what the bows tied around their necks were. Timmy stammered, "We... we're the presents for the tree!!!!"

Their last sight was the glitter of the beast's icicle-ornament teeth in the eve.

And THAT'S the story of Christmas.

The end.

Go to sleep.

Stories of Christmas #1

2007-11-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

Peter sighed sadly.

With an entire chemistry set in front of him, he still had no idea how to remove the vibrator from his eye.

Watch Steve at Dodgethekills.com...

2007-08-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in forever but here's a little shameless self-promotion: Some internet shorts promoting a horror book called "How to Survive a Horror Movie" featuring me can be seen at DodgetheKills.com.

Check 'em out, they're quick and fun.

Because the shorts were made in conjunction with CBS.com, there's a link to buy cellphone wallpapers featuring the character "Steve."
Wow.
I'll bet they're hot sellers.
You can get "Steve" looking goofily scared, or "Steve" with his arms ripped off. Fantastic.
Please tell me SOMEone, besides me, bought them.

I'm just excited that my picture is on the same page as David Letterman. Check it out. There's me in mock horror... and then to my right... Dave:

Big Bloop...

2007-08-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sure others have blogged about this already, but here we are.

According to this article on CNN.com, "Scientists have revealed a mysterious recording that they say could be the sound of a giant beast lurking in the depths of the ocean."

I love me some giant sea monsters, boy.
Loch Ness monster?
FASCINATED me as a child.

As I read the article my eyes grew wide with enthusiasm. Then there it was... a link... a link to the sound of the deep sea monster... a sound they were calling "Big Bloop."

My hand trembled as I moved the cursor to the link.

"What would it sound like?" I wondered.

I know what a deep sea monster sounds like: It sounds like the T-Rex from Jurassic Park.
It sounds like the bugs from Starship Troopers.
It sounds like something Ben Burtt recorded on another planet and brought back for George Lucas to tinker with.
I clicked the link.
The sound played... and....... and I thought there was a mistake.

THAT'S a sea monster???

How am I supposed to be afraid of something that sounds like I just ate the fruit in Ms. Pac-Man?

Boo.

Boo, scientists.

BOO!

New TROOP! video is a Featured Comedy video on YouTube!

2007-07-13T16:21:00.001-07:00

TROOP!'s all new video "Bug Problem" debuts on YouTube as a "Featured Comedy Video."

Enjoy... or don't.

2007-07-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you something about living in America: we have choice. We have the freedom of choice here. An abundance of choice. And because of this, I have the ability to think about things like what I'm about to talk about.

I actually HAVE a preference for "urinal mint" scent.

I never thought I had an opinion on this, really.
But I do.
Because I'm an American.
And Americans have choice.
And Americans have opinions.

I say "urinal mint" but I believe the appropriate term is "urinal deodorizer block." I discovered this when peeing recently and an almost "cinnamon-like" aroma rose up.

Cinnamon? Uh uh. Nope. Not where I put MY urine, thank you.

I don't want cinnamon. Which got me thinking: what scent DO I like? And I believe it came down simply to "nebulous-lemon-lime-clean"-scent.
I'm old school like that.
Color? Doesn't matter. Neon pink seems to be the standard, but I've also seen a lovely electric blue which turns turquoise under repeated peeings. Both are fine.
Upon further research, when ordering urinal cakes, there doesn't really seem to be much attention paid to the scent. I've found cherry scent, bleach, and just the "nebulous-lemon-lime-clean"-scent.
Shape, though... I like 'em round. The cinnamon smelling one was triangular. So that's two strikes against it.
See that? I just took 30 seconds away from your life. But I got you thinking. If you're female you're wondering about whatever wonderful trappings we men have in our restrooms. Sure, we don't have couches and flowers and pretty soaps... but we have colorful, sweet smelling targets to aim at.
America the beautiful.
Damn straight.

I KNEW IT!!!!

2007-04-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

I want to share with you one of the reviews of the Bosom Buddies Season 1 DVD set from Amazon.

Reading the reviews there seems to be a real problem by the -ahem- 'die-hard Bosom Buddies fans' that the DVD release does NOT have the Billy Joel "My Life" song in the opening, but a re-recorded version with some other female singer.
After many back and forths in the reviews about the validity of this 'outrage' this was the last one on the page...

..>

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful: I Knew It!!!!!, April 6, 2007
..>
Reviewer:
taylor johnson "love to read boomer" (madison, wisconsin) - See all my reviews..>I have been reading the reviews, having not yet purchased the product and I have officially changed my mind about buying it. Who's fault is this anyway? Billy Joel's? Paramount? Tom Hanks? This is ridiculous. Anyone who spends the money, should have the original product, complete, intact! How many episodes of 'Friends' were edited? (Uh, none!) Original theme song, annoying as ever. I consider myself, a 'Bosom Buddies' expert! I actually purchased some 'pirated' copies from Canada (did not know this at the time) and I will stick with them, commercials and all, plus the original theme song. If they could use the Billy Joel song in reruns, they could put it on the videos. Oh, and the cover is absolutely horrible. Very disappointed and to repeat what others have all ready said, shame, shame, NOT COOL!..>

"Who's fault IS this anyway? Billy Joel's? Parmount? Tom Hanks?" Yes that's right. It's Tom Hanks' fault Taylor. He has used his Hollywood power to squash the opening to a 20+ year old situation comedy.
And the always professional aside "Uh, none!"
But Taylor is a Bosom Buddies expert. So I'm sure he/she knows what he/she's talking about.

Priceless. People are priceless. Every single one of 'em--- a gem.

Timeless treasures saved by Scotch...???

2007-04-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article about the excavation of one of the pyramids in Egypt. There were various photos of mummified remains, wooden totems and then this picture that had a caption of "Archaeologists use tape to hold this flaking ancient portrait together."

Um... I'm no archaeologist. Buuuuuut maybe using Scotch tape to hold an priceless Egyptian painting together isn't the choice I'd make. I'm just sayin'.

Archaeologist #1 pulls long pieces of tape off a roll with a "skiiiiiiiiiiiikt" sound and carefully lays them on a painting of a pharaoh. Archaeologist #2 walks up behind him and mops his brow with a confused look on his face.

Archaeologist #2: "Hey... uh... Dan. What're you doing?"

Archaeologist #1: [skiiiiiiiiiiit] "Hm? Just taping up this 4500 year-old-painting."

Archaeologist #2: "Um... Did you check with Dave first?"

Archaeologist #1: [skiiiiiiiiit] "I don't always have to check with DAVE on everything. I mean, I think I know how to fix a painting." [skiiiiiiiiiiiiiit]

Archaeologist #2: "Well... how are they gonna get the tape off back in the lab?"

Archaeologist #1: [skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit] "That's not an 'MP' that's a 'TP'--- their problem." [skiiiiiiiiiiit] "There done. Now help me break up this mummy and stuff it in this empty jar filled with pickle juice."

What's next? Sticky Tak on the Statue of David? Glu-Stik on the Mona Lisa? And why the hell do adhesive products always drop the letter "c" in their titles?

Adhesive Product Salesman leans in: "I can answer that. 'C' is not sticky. 'K', now THAT'S a sticky consonant."

Anchorman or Android?

2007-02-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

Does anybody else think that CNN's Anderson Cooper is looking more and more like Star Trek's Data?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

For today... the prosecution rests...

Ghost Rider - A Story of Broken Dreams

2007-02-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying it's my own fault.

I grew up loving the character of Ghost Rider. Even before I knew his name, when me and my friends were playing super-heroes I would say "I'm that skull guy with the flames!" So when I heard that they were making one of my childhood favorite super anti-heroes into a movie I got excited.

Then I heard that it was being written and directed by the guy who did Daredevil. And my heart sank.

Then I heard they pushed the release date from Summer 2006 to the "get rid of the studio trash" month of February 2007. And I lost sleep.

Then I watched the trailer for the -ahem- "film" and I had a bout of diarhea.

And though all indicators pointed to "it's going to suck"-- I had to go. Because, hey, maybe it'll be so bad it'll be fun? Right? Which is sorta like saying, "Hey maybe if I put bullets in all the chambers instead of just one, I'll get to hear the bang noise faster when I pull the trigger."

No. It was not fun. It was the worst Marvel comic adaptation I've seen to date.

Beating The Hulk. Even beating Daredevil... which I didn't think was possible.

I dragged 5 TROOP! members to see the motorcycle accident that is Ghost Rider at the Cinerama Dome. THE DOME!!!
I have yet to see a good movie in the Dome. 8mm... Godzilla... Ghost Rider... that theater is cursed. Baaaaaaaaad mojo there.

And BECAUSE I dragged 5 people with me to see it Sony's Ghost Rider BROKE PREVIOUS RECORDS FOR A PRESIDENT'S DAY WEEKEND!

So like I said--- it's my own fault.

Becauuuuuuuuuuse... it did so well that there's sequel talk already.

I was just forwarded an interview with the director/writer Mark Steven Johnson where he's asked about the -gulp- "success" of the film and its inevitable sequel.

Below I give you the interview from iFMagazine.com and in [brackets] you will find what I believe to be the "secret" interview. Let's say that I hacked into the HTML code and found these snippets of interview, marked in [brackets], of what Mark PROBABLY said that wasn't used in the posting.

Enjoy.

JOHNSON: Ghost Rider is a terrific concept, and an amazing looking character, but he's come and gone over the years, been in and out of circulation, and has had his identity changed several times. That really gave me the freedom to take what I thought was the best of each Ghost Rider story [and turn it into complete shit].

iF MAGAZINE: How different were the challenges of adapting DAREDEVIL vs. GHOST RIDER?

"Ghost Rider really succeeds or fails on how well you pull off the flaming skull and that was something that was much more difficult than I thought it would be. Specifically, the CGI fire. Daredevil only has a handful of CGI character shots, but for the most part it was an actor in a costume. Everytime you see the Ghost Rider it's a visual effect, and I had to make sure that we got it right for the movie to work at all. [And we didn't. We didn't get it right. At all.]

iF: Creating digital fire is one of the hardest things to do, what was the breakthrough that finally happened on GHOST RIDER that made everyone realize - this is going to work?

JOHNSON: [The breakthrough was that we ran out of time and money. So we just put the fire that we had up there and washed our hands of it. Because really we just needed the butts in seats. And when you think about it, when you make a Ghost Rider toy, it's really just molded plastic anyway, so what difference does it make? Hey... molded plastic... hm... I'll have to keep that in mind for the sequel.]

iF: One of the keys to the film's success is Nicolas Cage's performance - how much of it was scripted and how much of it came the script and the comics?

JOHNSON: Nic brings a really unique quality to everything he does. Some might say it's "quirky" but I think it's just honest. [And honestly: Nic is insane. He's off the deep end. Really. I was afraid every day I went to work, so I just let him do whatever he wanted.]

iF: Having done two comic book movies in a row, would you like to get back to smaller films with no special effects?

JOHNSON: [No, not really. I mean the paychecks on these is too big. You gotta go where the money goes. And I love raping people's dreams. I love rape.]

iF: Are there any other superheroes or comic books you'd like to tackle?

JOHNSON: I'm just trying to finish the pilot for Preacher at the moment. It's for HBO. It's VERY faithful to the comic, [and I can say that because you haven't read it. So by the time it gets to the screen it'll blow and I can blame it on studio intervention or actor creative differences.]

iF: Nicolas Cage says he would love to produce SHE-HULK for Eva Mendes, would that be something you would be involved in too?

JOHNSON: [Yeah I'd love to make those tits green. Sure.]

iF: Now that GHOST RIDER is a success, does a sequel look like a possibility and
would you be involved?

JOHNSON: I'm really happy about the success of GHOST RIDER. I really just wanted to make something fun and different, something that didn't take itself too seriously. [Even though the subject matter should be very dark, sinister and serious, I don't like that. It makes me uncomfortable. So I just play with other people's toys and then leave them out in the rain to rust, wilt and break. That's me. That's what I do.]
It's a really weird movie and we didn't know if anybody would even show up in the first place. So the fact that we're breaking records, not just in the U.S., but also around the world, is a real kick. I'd love to do another one. But that's really up to Sony now. I'd like to see what Mephisto has in store for Johnny down the road. Safe to say, that things are going to get worse for Johnny before they get better! [And by worse I mean, plot, acting, effects and publicity. So put on a diaper because a shit storm's a comin'.]

Read the original interview here:
http://ifmagazine.com/feature.asp?article=1931

Teleportation - Day 56...

2006-10-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

From CNN.com this morning. My comments are sprinkled throughout.

Scientists teleport two different objects
POSTED: 7:13 a.m. EDT, October 5, 2006

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- Beaming people in "Star Trek" fashion is still in the realms of science fiction, but physicists in Denmark have teleported information from light to matter bringing quantum communication and computing closer to reality.

Until now scientists have teleported similar objects such as light or single atoms over short distances from one spot to another in a split second.

But Professor Eugene Polzik and his team at the Niels Bohr Institute at Copenhagen University in Denmark have made a breakthrough by using both light and matter.

"It is one step further because for the first time it involves teleportation between light and matter, two different objects. One is the carrier of information and the other one is the storage medium," Polzik explained in an interview on Wednesday.

The experiment involved for the first time a macroscopic atomic object containing thousands of billions of atoms.

I don't know why but it always bothers me when people combine denominations of numbers. "thousands of billions" ??? I know technically it's perfect english but it seems silly. "tens of millions" "ones of kerbillions."
Crazy moon language, I say.

They also teleported the information a distance of half a meter but believe it can be extended further.

"Teleportation between two single atoms had been done two years ago by two teams, but this was done at a distance of a fraction of a millimeter," Polzik, of the Danish National Research Foundation Center for Quantum Optics, explained.

"Our method allows teleportation to be taken over longer distances because it involves light as the carrier of entanglement," he added.

"Oooo, I LOVED Entanglement," said the Investor. "Catherine Zeta-Jones! Mrowr!"

The scientists exchange a glance.

Scientist #1: "No, no. Entanglement is a scientific principle."

"Oh. I thought you were talking about the film."

"No, sir. As I was saying, the carrier of entanglement involves light, so--"

Scientist #2: "--Entrapment."

Scientist #1: "..."

Investor: "Hm?"

Scientist #2: "You're thinking of Entrapment. With Sean Connery."

Investor: "YES! THANK YOU! That was going to bother me all night."

Scientist #2: "I just saw it on TBS last night."

Investor: "Isn't she hot?"

Scientist #2: "When she's slinking under the laser with her butt in the air."

They both giggle like schoolboys.

Scientist #1: "Can we continue?"

Quantum entanglement involves entwining two or more particles without physical contact.

Scientist #2: "Quantum Entanglement is the sequel. -snicker- It's in space."

Investor and Scientist #2 laugh.

Scientist #1: "PLEASE GENTLEMEN!"

Although teleportation is associated with the science-fiction series "Star Trek," no one is likely to be beamed anywhere soon.

But the achievement of Polzik's team, in collaboration with the theorist Ignacio Cirac of the Max Planck Institute for Quantum Optics in Garching, Germany, marks an advancement in the field of quantum information and computers, which could transmit and process information in a way that was impossible before.

"It is really about teleporting information from one site to another site. Quantum information is different from classical information in the sense that it cannot be measured. It has much higher information capacity and it cannot be eavesdropped on. The transmission of quantum information can be made unconditionally secure," said Polzik whose research is reported in the journal Nature.

What this means to the layman is that when you go to have your checking account balance teleported to you, you won't have to have a SiteKey that's a picture of a red hat; your password that's a combination of letters, numbers, punctuation and esperanzo; your mother's maiden name when she was playing with Maiden; and a thumbscan. .............But it will still take 46 days to load the page.

Quantum computing requires manipulation of information contained in the quantum states, which include physical properties such as energy, motion and magnetic field, of the atoms.

"Creating entanglement is a very important step, but there are two more steps at least to perform teleportation. We have succeeded in making all three steps -- that is entanglement, quantum measurement and quantum feedback," he added.

Scientist #1: "So, yeah, what this really boils down to is that we've got some good news and some bad news. The good news: We have succeeded in making all 3 steps, entanglement, quantum measurement and quantum feedback. The bad news is that we haven't figured out in what order we need to do the 3 steps. You know in the remake of The Fly when Jeff Goldblum teleports that monkey and it arrives all inside out and grody? Yeah, that's kinda where we are right now."

Investor: "Look, how soon before I can teleport to Madrid to fool around with my mistress and be back before my wife gets home from work?"

Scientist #1 & #2 "88 years."

Annnnnnnnnnnd scene.

Crunchalicious...

2006-09-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

I want to take this time to thank the makers of Tums EX Berry Flavor Antacids for creating an adult used item that tastes exactly like Captain Crunch Crunchberries.
Good job Tums!

Is it just me?

2006-09-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is Richard Grieco looking more and more like Homer Simpson?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Or maybe the love child of Homer Simpson and Mickey Rourke?

......I guess I shouldn't have had all those Pixy Stix today...

All the news that's fit to wipe up spills with...

2006-09-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

I've been working crazy hours at my job these days and haven't had any time to watch television so I seem to be getting all my news from the Captivate network: which is the little tv screen that plays in the elevators.
Hurricane coming? Don't know.
How's the war in Iraq? Couldn't tell ya.

Here's what I know:
Scientists say that the genitalia on polar bears is shrinking due to polution.

That's what's going on in the world.

-Ding-

Oop. This is me.

I'd like to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there...

2006-08-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

Well since the break-up I've been scouring the various websites for a new apartment.
Today on Craig's List, I found this apartment listing.

Now... I know "they" come in all shapes and sizes.

I've even been in a few from time to time.

But I had no idea that one could LIVE inside one.

Here's the listing:

$1300 / 1br - ******** CUNTE AND SPACIOUS********
Reply to: [removed] Date:
2006-08-08, 10:26AM PDTFIRST MONTH FREE!!!! FIRST MONTH FREE!!!!! AVAILABLE
NOW....

Mm hm.

I see.

A picture is worth a bunch of words or something...

2006-07-31T20:10:00.000-07:00

I love how the media manipulates our opinions with a mere picture change in half a day.

For instance, this "Mel Gibson gets pulled over for drunk driving" thing.

At first the picture they used was this.

Then as the day went on and the story became about how Mel has a drinking problem, needed to get help and likes to shout expletives about Jews, came the 2nd picture of Mel Gibson...... looking like he dropped the brown acid.

When I see that 2nd pic, instantly I say to myself "Well clearly Mel Gibson has lost his goddamned mind! I mean LOOK at him!!! That f**ker's CRAY-ZEE!"

And just like that -poof-... I was manipulated.

6/6/06!!!

2006-06-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

Yay!

Do something in the spirit of the day!

Make yourself a feast of deviled eggs, Devil Dogs, and deviled ham!

Sacrifice a hooker!

Party in Hell planned for 6-6-06

Sunday, June 4, 2006; Posted: 11:51 p.m. EDT (03:51 GMT)

HELL, Michigan (AP) -- They're planning a hot time in Hell on Tuesday.

The day bears the date of 6-6-06, or abbreviated as 666 -- a number that carries hellish significance.

And there's not a snowball's chance in Hell that the day will go unnoticed in the unincorporated hamlet 60 miles west of Detroit.

Nobody is more fired up than John Colone, the town's self-styled mayor and owner of a souvenir shop.

"I've got `666' T-shirts and mugs. I'm only ordering 666 (of the items) so once they're gone, that's it," said Colone, also known as Odum Plenty. "Everyone who comes will get a letter of authenticity saying you've celebrated June 6, 2006, in Hell."

Most of Colone's wares will sell for $6.66, including deeds to one square inch of Hell.

Live entertainment and a costume contest are planned. The Gates of Hell should be installed at a children's play area in time for the festivities.

"They're 8 feet tall and 5 foot wide and each gate looks like flames, and when they're closed, it's a devil's head," Colone told The Detroit News for a Saturday story.

Mike "Smitty" Hickey, owner of the Dam Site Inn, wasn't sure what kind of clientele would show up Tuesday.

"We're all about having fun here. I don't think we're going to get the cult crowd, the devil worshippers or anything like that," said Hickey, whose bar's signature concoction is the Bloody Devil, a variant of the Bloody Mary.

Colone, meanwhile, has been in touch with radio stations as far away as San Diego and Seattle that are raffling off trips to Hell in honor of 6-6-6.

The 666 revelry is just the latest chapter in the town's storied history of publicity stunts, said Jason LeTeff, one of its 72 year-round residents -- or, as the mayor calls them, Hellions or Hell-billies. But LeTeff wasn't particularly enthused.

"Now, here I am living in Hell, taking my kids to church and trying to teach them the right things and the town where we live is having a 6-6-6 party," he said.

According to the town's semiofficial Web site, there are two leading theories about how Hell got its name.

The first holds that a pair of German travelers stepped out of a stagecoach one sunny afternoon in the 1830s, and one said to the other, "So schoene hell" -- roughly translated as, "So bright and beautiful." Their comments were overheard by some locals and the name stuck.

The second holds that George Reeves was asked after Michigan gained statehood what he thought the town he helped settle should be called, and reportedly replied, "I don't care, you can name it Hell if you want to." The name became official on October 13, 1841.

"...The Gates of Hell should be installed at a children's play area in time for the festivities..."

A children's play area! Hot damn!

"They're 8 feet tall and 5 foot wide and each gate looks like flames, and when they're closed, it's a devil's head," Colone told The Detroit News for a Saturday story..."

Man I LOVE showmanship!!!

P.S.
Let's all buy our tickets now for next year's 7/7/07 party in Heaven, SomeState.
(I mean, there's got to be a U.S. town called "Heaven," right?)

Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

2006-06-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

What I'm realizing is that as my generation ages, we're borrowing more and more from our childhoods.

For instance, the military is designing this:

Which looks an awful lot like this:

My prediction?
A Weather Dominator that operates on "Heavy Water" by 2008.

Signed,
Stevetradamus.

Rockin' Single Salesman...

2006-05-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in traffic on the freeway and in front of me was a mini-van that had window cling letters on the back glass. It said simply:

"I ain't no soccer mom, nor a soccer dad.
I'm a rockin' single salesman out on business.
Thank you very much."

Dude, you're still not cool.

Anybody? No? Just me?

2006-05-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

I don't care how good the new Pearl Jam is, doesn't the album cover look like a bad ad for California avocados?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The prosecution rests your honor.

Finger lickin' good...

2006-05-23T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dracula castle returns to bloodline

Tuesday, May 23, 2006; Posted: 3:49 p.m. EDT (19:49 GMT)
BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) -- More than 60 years after it was seized by communists, the Romanian government is to hand back one of the country's most popular tourist sites, the fabled Dracula Castle, to its former owner, the culture minister said Tuesday.

The hand-over ceremony will take place Friday noon in the 14th century castle's museum deep within the fortress in Transylvania, said minister Adrian Iorgulescu at a news conference.

The castle, worth an estimated $25 million (19.6 million euros), was owned by the late Queen Marie and bequeathed to her daughter Princess Ileana in 1938. It was confiscated by communists in 1948 and fell into disrepair.

It was inherited by Dominic van Hapsburg, a New York architect who will be at the ceremony on Friday, said Iorgulescu. The Hapsburgs ruled Romania for a period starting in the late 17th century. Under the agreement, the owner will not be allowed to make any changes to the castle for the next three years, Iorgulescu said.

Restoration work began in the late 1980s and was partially completed in 1993. It is now one of Romania's top tourist destinations.

While known and marketed as "Dracula's Castle," the Bran Castle never belonged to Prince Vlad the Impaler, who inspired Bram Stoker's Count Dracula character, but the prince is thought to have visited the medieval fortress.

The Gothic fortress, perched on a rock, has appeared in numerous Dracula movies.

At the gates of Bran Castle, peasants sell Dracula sweaters hand-knitted from the thick wool of local sheep, cheesecloth blouses, and Vampire wine. Bran Castle is the most famous of 15 citadels and fortresses in the area, which were built by peasants to keep out marauding armies of Turks and Tartars and cruel local medieval lords.

Another former royal property, the Peles Castle, built in the late 19th century in the mountain town of Sinaia, will be returned to former King Michael, who owned it before it was confiscated by the communist regime in 1948.

Romania passed legislation earlier this year to return property to its former owners and establish a "property fund" to pay damages for assets that cannot be returned.

The fund includes stock in state-owned companies that are being privatized, such as utility companies, the Romanian postal service, and the Savings Bank.

"Under the agreement, the owner will not be allowed to make any changes to the castle for the next three years..."

THREE whole years.

Then it'll be raised for a combination Starbucks/KFC.
Dracula loved him some Popcorn Chicken and a Latte.

Ding Dong... Who is it? ... "Poltergeist"...

2006-04-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

Just found this:

CONDO CRAZE CONVERTS FORMER ASYLUMS

DANVERS (AP) -- In real estate, not even spooky trumps location.

Across the nation, former state hospitals for the mentally ill -- with dated names like "lunatic asylum" -- are being converted into homes.

Even the ominous Danvers State Hospital, once described as "the scariest building in the world" and a favorite destination of ghost-hunting thrill-seekers, soon will be home to laptop-toting latte drinkers.

"There's obviously a lot of notoriety associated with the site," said Scott Dale, a vice president at AvalonBay Communities Inc., which is constructing 497 luxury apartments and condominiums. "We think at the end of the day, that will be helpful."

No units are one the market yet, but Dale expressed confidence that occupancy won't by hurt by the property's jaded past, including a cemetery with some unmarked graves -- one reminder of the sad history of treatment of the mentally ill.

The formula has been successful elsewhere.

Six hundred would-be buyers signed up for the first 60 homes built at the site of the former Dammasch State Hospital in Wilsonville, Ore., 20 miles south of Portland, city officials said.

In Traverse City, Mich., developers of a former asylum overlooking Lake Michigan have down payments in hand from buyers looking for condos, and a waiting list should those buyers bow out.

Rents at the 500-unit Octagon, the former New York City Lunatic Asylum on Manhattan's Roosevelt Island, are 10 percent higher than expected, developer Bruce Becker said. Studio apartments start at $1,700.

"It certainly still has a slight mystery to it, but I wouldn't say scary or haunted," said Rebecca Shaw, who is moving with her boyfriend into a one-bedroom unit at the Octagon next month.

Built in 1841, the asylum later became a hospital, which closed in 1955. Trailblazing journalist Nellie Bly spent time undercover at the asylum and wrote in 1887 that it was a "human rat trap."

Shaw, who grew up on Roosevelt Island, recalled bicycling and roller-skating on the grounds.

"At that time it was weeds and bushes, overgrown plant life, which made it really cool," the 30-year-old social worker said. "For kids, that was part of the appeal, it was scary and spooky. When you get older you decipher what's real and what isn't."

Real: parking space, short commute. "For my work, I need to be close to the city. And the price is right for this point in my life."

The housing boom led developers to former mills, old schoolhouses, and now state hospitals. The mentally ill in the past were thought to benefit from bucolic settings. The Danvers facility, opened in 1878 as the State Lunatic Hospital, is atop a large hill overlooking the North Shore, and its 75 acres featured paths and working farms.

Eventually, many facilities closed and were left vacant as treatment moved away from overcrowded institutions in favor of smaller group homes.

Dale, the developer at Danvers, said they are creating a "campus-like environment" with a swimming pool, WiFi cafe and fitness center. Rents will start around $1,400 for a one-bedroom, and about half-a-million dollars for a condo.

AvalonBay, since buying the property for $18 million late last year, has taken over security. In the past five years, Massachusetts State Police charged 150 people and issued warnings to an additional 450 people for trespassing, said spokesman Trooper Thomas R. Ryan.

Interest intensified after the Victorian Gothic facility, which closed in 1992, was the centerpiece of the 2001 horror film "Session 9," starring David Caruso, better known for his role on the CBS drama "CSI: Miami."

Caruso, in an interview on the DVD rental, said, "There's nowhere like this in North America. This is probably the scariest building in the world."

Co-star Peter Mullan, whose character in the film kills his family before offing co-workers removing asbestos from the facility, claimed in the DVD interview to have considered jumping from the roof during one scene. "That came from the building," the Scottish actor said.

Today, there's not much left for thrill-seekers. The main building is being renovated into 61 condos, but dozens of other structures are being bulldozed -- over the objection of local preservationists.

"This is probably the worst preservation catastrophe that's ever happened in the town," said Richard Trask, Danvers' town archivist since the Nixon administration.

Trask -- who calls it the "Disneyfication" of the original complex unappealing -- was among four activists and a local preservation group which unsuccessfully sued to stop AvalonBay.

"If they restored the exterior, yeah I would have looked in my retirement as that being a good potential space," he said. "It's a a grand location, it's spectacular. I like structures that have a history to them."

Meanwhile, developers at the Traverse City State Hospital in upper Michigan, say they've gone in the opposite direction.

"We're preserving everything on the entire site," said Rick Gruber, a project manager for The Minervini Group. "You can never erase the history of the building. When there's an absence of people, it's scary looking. The reality of what you're seeing is the absence of people. It has nothing to do with the architecture."

Today, there's also much less of a stigma around mental illness as people gain a more sophisticated understanding of the problem.

"It's more a part of the social fabric. There are people with challenges that you encounter on a daily basis and you don't even know it," said Danielle Cowan, spokeswoman for the city of Wilsonville, which is helping private developers build on the site of the former Dammasch State Hospital.

Toby Fisher, executive director of the Massachusetts chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness said he's glad to see Danvers go. "The buildings are a little on the dreary side to say the least. Thank goodness there are better forms of treatment."

Still, developers can be sensitive. Web sites for the projects in New York, Oregon and Michigan make little or no mention of their properties' past use as asylums.

The Oregon project, named The Villebois to emulate the feel of European villages, will have townhouses starting at around $250,000. And just as a dose of precaution, developers called in help before work started.

"They had a psychic friend of theirs go through it and bless the spirits they thought were still hanging around," said Wilsonville Mayor Charlotte Lehan.

My prediction?
T minus 2 years 'til people start seeing bleeding walls, skimming zombies out of the pool, and putting shotguns in their mouths.

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here! PT 2

2006-04-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

Just one more nail in mankind's coffin.

This is a simple, "Rubik's Snake"-like robot designed at Cornell that can rebuild itself AND perform repairs on itself.

Once they can fix themselves, they will no longer need us...
I'm just sayin'.........

Here's the link to eerie video while it lasts:
http://www.mae.cornell.edu/ccsl/research/selfrep/video/4x4ht4a.wmv

I wish I wasn't so drunk today...

2006-03-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

Jeez, I wish I wasn't so drunk today.

I have to contantly remember that making statements such as this really aren't funny unless you know that I don't drink. 'Never have.

I mean, sure, I have a bottle of Vanilla Extract now and again.
It tickles my nose...
Makes my burps taste like dessert...
And makes my farts smell like air freshener.

SORRY if I like to indulge!

Reading Comprehension: F+

2006-03-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

Remember in school when they used to test you on reading comprehension?

I think it's necessary to continue to test such a basic ability.

Below is an exact transcription of an e-mail conversaton that transpired recently between myself and a work colleague.

See if you can see where he earns his F+ for Reading Comprehension...

COLLEAGUE:

Hello---

Please let me know if you're interested in receiving clips for Amazing Race for Ep. 3...

Many Thanks!!!

[Name withheld]

ME:

Yes please.

Steve

COLLEAGUE:

READY FOR PICK UP AT THE REAR GUARD SHACK.
THANKS,
[Name withheld]

I'm going to ignore the fact that technically he's yelling at me here for no reason.
And why is he calling it a guard shack?
A shack is defined as "a type of small house in disrepair."
Not really what you want your security force based in.
I'm just sayin'.
Anyway...

ME:

I'm going to pick this up tomorrow morning, because our messenger won't make it back here by 6pm.
Where will it be tomorrow morning?

COLLEAGUE:

Awesome!

????????

F+

Have you seen the new billions?

2006-03-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

Found on Yahoo News...

Man busted in Calif. with billion dollar bills

Tue Mar 14, 8:22 PM ET
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The counterfeit money looked good, but there was one flaw. There's no such thing as a one billion dollar bill.

U.S. Customs agents in California said on Tuesday they had found 250 bogus billion dollar bills while investigating a man charged with currency smuggling.

Tekle Zigetta, 45, pleaded guilty to three federal counts of trying to bring cash, phony bills and a fake $100,000 gold certificate into the United States in January.

Further investigation led agents to a West Hollywood apartment where they found the stash of yellowing and wrinkled one billion dollar bills with an issue date of 1934 and bearing a picture of President Grover Cleveland.

"You would think the $1 billion denomination would be a giveaway that these notes are fake, but some people are still taken in," said James Todak, a secret services agent involved in the probe.

My questions are:
What was the plan here??!!
Was he going to buy gum?
IS there a store that would fall for this??!!

"I tell ya what. Because I like your face, I'm going to give you this $1 Billion dollar bill for only $26.99. Which so HAPPENS to be the exact price of this Audiovox Shower Radio."

Baseball's Best Burger

2006-03-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

Saw this on CNN yesterday...

The Gateway Grizzlies will be adding a new "concession item" for the 2006 season.

The "Baseball's Best Burger."

It's a thick and juicy burger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon.

Wait for it...

The burger is then placed in between each side of a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut.

There you go.

Grizzlies General Manager Tony Funderburg says “We have had the opportunity to bring in a new concession item for the past two seasons and each of them have been very successful. We look forward to Baseball’s Best Burger and the excitement it will bring to the ballpark."

And who doesn't love the excitement of seeing grown men scramble for defibrillator paddles?

“We are excited to work with the Grizzlies this season on Baseball’s Best Burger,” said Tina Bryan, Vice President of Marketing for Sweet Traditions, the local area developer for Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. “Our doughnuts have been used in such things as wedding cakes, bread pudding, fondue, and now a hamburger bun. What a fun and unique way to offer our signature Original Glazed doughnut to Grizzlies fans.”

What a fun and unique way indeed, Tina.

I'm just glad that we finally got an answer to the age old question,
"Just exactly how much DOES a heart attack cost?"

$4.50.

Post Oscar Palette Cleanser...

2006-03-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

The hoopla of Hollywood's big trophy show is dying down with only a few days more of unanswered questions. ("What WAS Tom Hanks really pissed off about?", "DID John Stewart do a good job?", "ARE we SO homophobic that a movie as lackluster as Crash needs to win Best Picture?")

So to help reduce the post-partum depression I offer these quality DVD's being released tomorrow (Tuesday the 7th) to act as a post-Oscar palette cleanser...

First there's Dumpster Baby.

Dumpster Baby.

One more time: Dumpster Baby.

Only from the mind of Troma, and directed by James Bickert & Randy Hill this er, "film" is about a crack-addicted mother who gives birth to her baby and leaves it in a nearby dumpster to die. Instead of dying, however, the baby finds its way out, and comes into contact with all manner of bizarre creatures, including street surgeons and thug pimps.
Remember: the Oscars and Three 6 Mafia taught us how hard it is to be a pimp. And it WILL be hard when you have a Dumpster Baby after you.

Now have an aperitif and get ready for your second course: Rape is a Circle.

If you enjoyed the director's other works: Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist, and The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made then you'll LOVE Rape is a Circle.

Here's the product description from Amazon-- all spelling and gramatical errors are as listed:

Time Salts All Wounds! Two girls hitch a ride, unaware of the fury of the driver. They endure humiliating perversions and excruciating pain. Their friendship warps as they are forced to perform sexual acts on each other for the twisted amusement of their captor. Escape is no easy thing to accomplish. If they fail they will die. RAPE IS A CIRCLE explores the cycle of cruelty - how pain does not end with the victim. The ripples touch many, setting off new waves fo torment. The story pushes your limits of sympathy as well as condemnation. Things are not black and white. This tale does not tell you what to thing, but it does make you think.

See that? This tale does not tell you what to thing, but it DOES make you think.

Their friendship warps... the ripples touch many... things are not black and white.

Sounds just like Crash. Except better.

It's practically an ABC Afterschool Special... with humiliating, excrutiating rape.

Where's Steve McQueen when you need him...?

2006-02-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

Don't you wish you had picked up that flamethrower at the local swap meet?

City still baffled by mystery goo downtown

Nearby oil pump may be cause

LA Daily News

By Dana Bartholomew, Staff Writer

Los Angeles officials were still scratching their heads Tuesday as to what caused a mysterious black goo to burble from downtown streets, forcing the evacuation of hundreds of apartment dwellers.

A Los Angeles Fire Department spokesman said investigators had yet to identify the "black tarry substance" more than 24 hours after it erupted at Olive Street and Pico Boulevard.

But he said there might be "a correlation" with a petroleum company water drilling operation nearby.

"The samples we have taken - this was determined to be (a) nontoxin, nonflammable, nonhazard," said fire Capt. Ernie Bobadilla.

What they're leaving out: "Oh, but it DOES eat children."

[How did "Captain Ernie" determine this?

Capt. Ernie: We smelled it. And we didn't get lightheaded. And Bert tossed a match in there and nothing happened. Right Bert?]

"We're looking to ID the scope of the problem. This problem is not a simple fix."

The mystery substance, first reported by residents as a sewage-like smell early Monday, erupted in the 1200 block of South Olive Street, oozing from manholes and buckling the street.

[I'm no Reed Richards... but it sounds to me like a Mole Man.]

Fire officials reported sidewalks heated to 103 degrees. While initial reports said a historic brick apartment building had shifted a foot off its foundation, Bobadilla said the structure was fine.

Public works officials said they were still investigating what ruined the city street.

"What we need to do is to wait for the water to subside, then have the Bureau of Engineering take core samples" beneath the street, said Nazario Sauceda, assistant director for the Bureau of Street Services.

"The most important issue - who's going to pay for it? Somebody has to be accountable for this damage, and we will determine that based on this investigation."

[NO! The most important issue is WTF is this black ooze and will it dissolve my flesh?!!"]

Bobadilla cited a petroleum drilling site two blocks from the 35-unit brick apartments. Laguna Hills-based St. James Oil Co. had obtained a permit to inject high-pressure hot water into old wells to extract residual crude. Officials there didn't return calls Tuesday.

[-riiiiiing-... -riiiiiing-

Official hiding under desk: "We do NOT answer that. Do you hear me? We let the machine get it."

-machine picks up-

"Hi, you've reached St. James Oil, and we can't get to the phone right now. But don't worry, we haven't been eaten by a crude oil blob monster, wait that's not what I wanted to say. How do I delete---" BEEEEEEEP!]

When oil workers ceased pumping hot water Monday afternoon, the ooze onto Olive diminished, and the street began to subside.

[Hot water must be the source of its power.]

"Initially, it smelled like a sewage type of water - or some type of oil operation," Bobadilla said.

["Or a giant blob monster... but I've never smelled one of them before."]

Ummmmmmmmmmmm... run?

Orange Wall...

2006-02-21T15:59:00.000-08:00

They painted my walls at work this color.

So now it actually feels like I'm in hell.

Found on Flickr...

2006-02-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

Mr. Mittens watched as his owner, Mrs. Harvelchuck, flailed helplessly on the cold tile floor of the kitchen.
“Help! Help me!” she shrilled. “It’s my heart. My heaaaaaaart…” she trailed off in a raspy exhale.
Mr. Mittens stared, unfeeling.
He thought, “Hm… how will I eat after this wrinkle-creature expires? I cannot operate the shiny noisemaker that opens my round, encased meals without opposable thumbs.”

Westminster Dog Show...

2006-02-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

Here's the only way I'll ever find the Westminster Dog Show interesting.

Some kind of RAY GUN...

2006-02-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

This story comes to us from Gizmodo.com, via www.defensetech.org, through www.ionatron.net, over to Shaq and --SWISH-- three points.

You can read the whole thing here: http://www.defensetech.org/archives/002170.html
...But here's the Gizmodo summary:

RAY GUN HEADED FOR IRAQ BATTLEFIELD

The United States Army is testing lasers on the battlefield. Ionatron, Inc. of Tucson has developed a weapon called a femtosecond laser, which creates light pulses that last less than 10 trillionths of a second. These pulses carve a channel of ionized oxygen in the air which can conduct electricity. Then, the weapon blasts lightning bolts through these 30-foot channels of conductivity. This is said to be very good at neutralizing bombs. Ionatron’s CEO says his company will be sending 12 of these units to Iraq, the first one by the end of July.

"This is said to be very good at neutralizing bombs."

What they failed to say is that, "it's even better at turning terrorists into crispy, edible fried treats."

Me and Crom...

2006-02-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

People often ask me if I like living in LA. My usual answer is "It has its pros and cons." Well, I just had one of the pros the other day.

After getting home from work, and sifting through my mail, I flipped to what I thought was my bank statement. Noticing the envelope was a little shorter than usual, I checked the address on the front and it was addressed to none other than the American treasure: JAMES O. CROMWELL.

Now I had heard that Mr. Cromwell lived in my area of Los Angeles, but now I had an exact address of where I could find him.

Is living in LA cool? Well how often in this world do you get a star's MAIL?!
That ain't happenin' in Poughkeepsie, my friend!

My intial reaction was "Well it can't be THE James Cromwell." So I hopped on the IMDB and sure enough his middle initial IS "O" (for Oliver).

My next reaction was "Wow. I've got James Cromwell's MAIL IN MY HAND!!"
I mean I grew up watching this guy act!

He was Stretch Cunningham on "All in the Family"!

(I just heard a collective "Ummm... what?" From all the readers of this post. So--two people.)

He was the practical joking Leo on M.A.S.H.!!
"Ummm... what?"
You know!
BJ's friend!
Leo!
Leo was always doing practical jokes to BJ. And then BJ gets blamed for disrupting this general's stay in Seoul. But BJ wasn't in Seoul. He was operating on people. But the general is going to press charges even though Colonel Potter backs him up. So the general makes him put the hat of the guy who did it, on. And the hat is too big. And then the canned laughter guffaws.
Leo on M.A.S.H.!

No, huh?

Um, I got it! He was the bad-ass police Captain Dudley Smith in LA Confidential who shoots Kevin Spacey point blank! Oh, "Spoiler Alert."

"Oh yeah, that guy."

Oh, yeah and...............He was Farmer Hoggett in Babe.

"OH MY GOD HE WAS IN BABE??!!"

Yeah, man! Annnnnnnnnd...

He was that political guy in one o' those asteroid movies!

He was the prison warden in The Green Mile!

He was um... the prison warden in The Longest Yard! (The remake... not the good one.)

James freaking Cromwell!

So of course everybody asks me "Well are you going to personally deliver it to him?"

Then I start fantasizing about how James Cromwell would be so grateful for me personally delivering his letter that we'd become fast friends.

Me and Crom would call 911 and say we're being attacked by rabid coyotes. When the cops show up and kick in the door, I'd click the stop watch, show it to Crom and he'd say "That'll do pig." Then we'd laugh. Oh how we'd laugh.

Me and Crom would go down to Santa Monica pier and ask the tourists if they're from New Jersey. And when one of them would say yes we'd beat the hell out them with baseball bats and then Crom would say "Go back to Jersey, Sonny. This is the City of the Angels and you haven't got any wings." Then we'd laugh some more. Oh the laughter.

I'd carry a boom box with my tape of the soundtrack to Conan the Barbarian. And wherever we went I'd cue up and play "Anvil of Crom" and it would become James Cromwell's theme song.

But no, I'll probably just place it back in the mailbox and let the U.S. Postal Service do it's job properly. -sigh- After all, tampering with the mail is a Federal Offense... I hear.

Who wants to play the "Whipped Cream Game"?!!!!

2006-02-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

Ex-teacher Jailed for `Whipped Cream Game'

SANTA CRUZ (AP) - A former substitute teacher was sentenced to one year in jail and five years probation for encouraging several young boys to lick whipped cream off their toes as part a game he filmed.

Michael Codde, 44, will have to register as a sex offender and will no longer be able to teach as the result of Friday's sentence handed down in Santa Cruz County Superior Court.

Codde admitted to felony child molestation and misdemeanor possession of child pornography. Even though no one alleged Codde touched the boys, Judge John Salazar said he clearly directed the game for sexual arousal.

The judge ordered sex-offender treatment and probation terms including no unsupervised contact with children for Codde.

Codde was arrested in December 2004 after playing ``the whipped cream game'' with five boys at a slumber party at his home in Aptos. The loser of a video game had to lick the whipped cream off the toes of other boys. Two of the boys said they had played the game with Codde before.

``I used very poor judgment and it has cost me dearly,'' Codde said. ``I'm very sorry . . . and I hope you can find in your heart to forgive me.''

Codde was working as a substitute teacher for the Pajaro Valley Unified School District at the time of his arrest.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall that first day of class...

"Hi everybody, my name is Mr. Codde and I want you to know I'm not going to be like a lot of your stuffy, by-the-book teachers. In fact, let's take your textbooks right now and just throw 'em right in the garbage.
Go on.
It's ok, I'm your teacher.
There you go.
Now I've only got two rules: one-- call me Mike. And two-- I only teach FUN.
[hoisting a video camera to his shoulder] Now who wants to play the "Whipped Cream" game?!"

Bizzaro World Oscar Nominations...

2006-01-31T13:32:00.000-08:00

Oh man, I love this time of year.
Here are the Bizarro World Oscar noms that just came in this morning.

Best Rotca:

Philip Seymour Hoffman: "Twister" Sample line: "'The Suck Zone'. It's the point basically when the twister... sucks you up."

Terrence Howard: "Biker Boyz"... Didn't see it. Just hate when anything normally spelled with an "S" is spelled with a "Z".

Heath Ledger: "The Order"... Again, didn't see it. Looked silly.

Joaquin Phoenix: "Russkies" Sample line: "Is there a frog coming out of my head?" Not actually from Russkies, because you can't beat someone asking if there's a frog coming out of their head... ever.

David Strathairn: This one was tough. This guy's got a lot of good work... hmmmm... How 'bout: "Iceman". Only because I saw it as a kid and was bored out of my skull. The coolest part (at 13) was watching a caveman fall from a helicopter at the end. Oh yeah, "Spoiler Alert."

Best Supporting Rotca:

George Clooney: "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" seems like the easy one. But I'm going to go with "Ocean's 12."
WOW.
Wow.
Quote: "Hey I've got an idea! Let's get all the original cast, director and writer of the fantastic "Ocean's 11" back... and then completely f--- it up."
I know a lot of you are screaming "WHAT ABOUT 'BATMAN & ROBIN'?!!" C'mon. That's like punching a quadriplegic in the face.

Matt Dillon: "Wild Things"... Champagne... Denise Richards... Neve Campbell. It certainly deserves an award.

Paul Giamatti: "Big Fat Liar" A quote from on-set: Director: "Ok, Paul, be angry! Ok, be angry again! Ok, now be blue! No, no. The color. Ok, here's your check."

Jake Gyllenhaal: "Bubble Boy"... Yes. Yes that was him.

William Hurt: "Lost in Space" 'Joey' is the Captain of a spaceship---- Yeah, that's where my suspension of disbelief ends too.

Best Ssertca:

Judi Dench: "Ladies in Lavender" - I've actually never seen "Ladies in Lavender" but I was hard pressed to find a movie where she didn't play a queen, or "M".

Felicity Huffman: "Choose Your Own Adventure: The Abominable Snowman" - This hasn't come out yet, but c'mon...

Keira Knightley: "Domino" - Haven't seen this one either but I'm sure the combined might of Tony Scott's penchant for stroke-inducing editing, the poor box-office returns, and the trailer with a Max Headroom stuttering problem makes it a worthy choice. Quote from the trailer "My name is Domino Dom--Dom-Domino..."

Charlize Theron: "Aeon Flux" - Guess what? Didn't see it. They could have easily gotten my butt in a seat by putting Charlize in an exact replica of the costume Aeon wears in the animated series. But alas, no.

Reese Witherspoon: "Little Nicky" - Well SOMEONE has to take the blame for this film.

Best Supporting Ssertca:

Amy Adams: "Serving Sara" - I love Chandler Bing. I hate Chandler Bing in movies.

Catherine Keener: "8mm" - I was going to say "Death to Smoochy" but as I've actually seen "8mm" I'll use that. Here's a two sentence scene summarizing the -ahem- 'film' "8mm"...
Nic Cage: "You know where I can get a snuff film?"
Anybody else in the movie: "HEY WHAT THE HELL?!! GET OUTTA HERE!"
Annnnnnnnnd scene...

Frances McDormand: "Aeon Flux" - Guess what? Still haven't seen it. Man, can you imagine Charlize in that animated series costume? Holy Mary Maloney. Oh yeah, and Frances plays the "Handler."

Rachel Weisz: "Chain Reaction" - The Fugitive - Tommy Lee Jones + Keanu = crap.

Michelle Williams: "Halloween H20" - Single handedly the worst performance by a semi-known actress in a horror movie ever. She didn't even get killed. Oh yeah, "Spoiler Alert" again.

Best Rotcerid:

Ang Lee: "Hulk" -- Ang... bubby. How can you screw up "HULK SMASH!!!" How?!! Oh, I see. Just like that.

Bennett Miller: Who? What now?

Paul Haggis: "Crash" - Sorry. Hated it. Here's a one sentence summation of the film "YOU'RE A FRIGGIN' RACIST, YOU RACIST RACIST NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'M GOING TO GO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY STUPID!" Annnnnd scene.

George Clooney: "Batman & Robin" - "WHAT ABOUT 'BATMAN & ROBIN' YOU RACIST RACIST--- Oh, wait thanks."

Steven Spielberg: "Indiana Jones IV" - This is a bad idea, folks. There has never been a good 4th film of anything: Jaws, Alien, Lethal Weapon. Our only saving grace will be if Harrison dies of a marijuana overdose before they can shoot a frame of film.

Biohazard Gambling...

2006-01-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

So I get up this morning and I'm already in a sleepy, "don't-want-to-go-to-my-crappy-day-job-I-can't-believe-it's-Monday-what-the-hell-did-I-do-with-my-weekend"-mood.

About 15 minutes before I have to head out the door, I decide I've got to "take the Browns to the Superbowl" so-to-speak. I do my business and flush.

Wellllllll that dreaded thing happens: the toilet fills up slowly... but doesn't drain. THIS is the scariest thing ever to a human being. So much so, that I think the most terrifying horror movie ever made would be just a locked-off shot of a toilet with the water rising... and rising... You could call it "The Rising." Oh how they'd scream.

ANYWAY, where were we? Ah yes, the water was rising. So the water continues to rise as I stare, frozen with fear. It finally stops-- a mere quarter inch from the spillover point.

Now I have a decision: Do I put the plunger in-- almost surely causing some spillover-- but more than likely clearing the clog? OR do I pull the handle of the slot machine, and hit that flush again hoping that the second flush will clear the line and prevent spillover altogether?

Welcome to biohazard gambling.

I chose to spin again. I hit that flush handle and watched in horror as dirty toilet water and, well, "debris" washed over the edge of the bowl and on to the floor. And all my sleepy head could think to do while it happened was stand there and quietly scream in my head, "There's poop on my floor. THERE'S POOP ON MY FLOOR!!!!"

I snapped out of it and ripped off the top of the tank, plunged my hand into the cold tank water, and held the plunger/flap/thingy closed so the water would stop.
Now I'm standing in dirty toilet water; my arm in cold, clean toilet water; and my toilet is still clogged. Happy Monday.

As I'm standing there, deciding what to do... a miracle happens: the toilet suddenly unclogs itself and empties. Thank you Ty-dee-bowl Man... wherever you are.

One hour, half a bottle of Fantastic, half a can of Lysol, and one complete roll of paper towels later: I'm on my way to work.
The site has been contained.
The peaceful people of Ty-dee-bowl return to their homes, their jobs......as do I.

Given the same situation, would I gamble again on that flush? Probably.
Why?
Because had I put the plunger in, I KNOW I would have had a mess to clean up. But the second flush... THAT's Door #3 on Let's Make a Deal.

I think Kenny Rogers said it best when he said "You've got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run."
And when the water's rising: you run.

The end...................... ?

The Rats are Coming the Robots are Here!

2005-12-29T15:59:00.000-08:00

Seriously don't scientists watch movies???!!
Here's what I'm pitching a fit over...

Self Defense Technologies, Inc. (SDT) has developed the world’s first “true” fighting android. Specifically, SDT’s invention is known as an electromechanical training apparatus or Fighting Android FA1. This android will revolutionize the training and conditioning of participants in boxing, martial arts and kick boxing along with providing both recreation and entertainment for the general public.

Historically, participants in the above mentioned sports have required many hours of training and conditioning to improve their skills of punching and kicking; as well as, practicing defensive maneuvers of blocking, dodging and ultimately counter attacking an opponent. Usually their passive training was through the utilization of devices such as heavy weight bags, speed bags and target boards. Also, handheld pads and punching dummies have been used as additional training devices. Ultimately, participants have had to spar against each other to hone hand-eye coordination and improve overall physical conditioning in a more realistic setting.

Each of the above mentioned training methods has numerous shortcomings in preparing a fighter for an actual match. The passive devices only receive blows and offer no active resistance to the offensive fighter. Handheld pads, punching dummies and other semi-active methods may subject participants to higher risks of injury. The holder of pads or strap-on punching dummies may sustain broken bones in the hand and wrist resulting from the delivery of powerful kicks or strikes to the handheld targets. Over time, the holder may develop a tendency to unconsciously pull the pad away just before the moment of contact which could lead to injury to the fighter’s muscles and joints. Such defensive behaviors also diminish the development of proper hand-eye coordination by the fighters.

Lastly, medical research has shown that boxing and contact martial arts can lead to numerous acute health problems. Several boxing contests have been cancelled because of injuries sustained by fighters during practice sparring matches in the gym. Some of the injuries sustained were concussions, brain damage, shoulder separations and injuries to various parts of the head such as the mouth, eyes and ears. In the more tragic accidents, fighters have died due to errant blows. It is also well documented that professional boxers and kick boxers can develop symptoms similar to those of Alzheimer’s disease, thus the term “punch drunk.” The onset of such symptoms is believed to be related to the cumulative effects of repeated blows to the head region during the fighter’s career.

Instructors and fitness center owners are in dire need of a means of demonstrating various punches, kicks and other contact techniques without risking injury to themselves or their students and patrons. Several devices that are basically padded dummies or wooden structures are available that reduce the risk of injury; yet, they are passive in nature. The user does not experience any real-life sparring opportunity since these devices are restrictive, immobile and noncompetitive. SDT’s fighting android provides an active means of training for martial arts, boxing and kick boxing; as well as, improving the general aerobic conditioning of recreational users.

We're teaching them to fight! Why don't we just put the plasma rifles in their hands right now!
DAMMIT!

Found on Flickr...

2005-12-29T11:54:00.000-08:00

Um... Remember when pirates were cool?
I do.

The Day After Christmas...

2005-12-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

The day after Christmas always seems like the aftermath of some sort of invasion. As you drive around you see nothing but puddles of deflated Santas, Frosties, and Grinches laying in front of houses. Like they're giant Christmas vampires killed by the sun of the 26th.

SURE WAY TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED #122

2005-12-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

Sure Way to Get Your Ass Kicked #122:

Just walk into random stores after 6pm on December 24th, find something you really like, walk up to a sales clerk and ask "Can I have this? For free?"
When they say "no" have your face drop and look pathetic and say "But sir... it's... it's Christmas Eve..."
Repeat until you're thrown out.

Oops on the web...

2005-11-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

Father: "Say Billy... what do you want for Christmas this year?"
Billy: "A Samurai Jack calendar!"
Father: "A Sumoo-whatnow?"
Billy: "SAMURAI JACK, Dad!! He's a cartoon character."
Father: "Oooooooooookay, heh heh, well we'll see what Santa brings you this year."

That night, as Billy dreams of sugar plumbs, Father sits down at his computer.

Father: "Lessee... Am... uh... zon... dot... com..."
-tacka tacka tacka-
Father: "Sam... oo... rie... Jack... Cal... en... darr."
-tacka tacka tacka-
"Annnnnnnd SEARCH"
-click-
Father: "Hmmmmmm... ooooook." -snicker- "Kids today..."

Christmas morn.
Billy runs in to find a thin, wrapped gift under the tree.
An ear to ear grin. He tears into the paper...
And then...
His face: confusion.

Father: "There you go champ! Looks like Santa got you just what you wanted!"

Billy: "Um... dad? This isn't Samurai Jack."
Father: "Sure it is!"
Billy: "No, dad this---"
Father: "Though you coulda just told me he was a Texas Longhorn! I might like to see this cartoon myself!"
Billy: "Dad this isn't Samurai Jack--"
Father: "YES IT IS AND YOU WILL PLAY WITH IT!!!"
Billy: "........... mmkay."

Annnnnnnnd SCENE!

Keeping up with the Joneses...

2005-10-31T16:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween!

Found this article last week...

Suicide Mistaken for Halloween Decoration
Thu Oct 27, 7:10 PM ET
FREDERICA, Del. - The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.

The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said.
The body, suspended about 15 feet above the ground, could be easily seen from passing vehicles.
State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later.
"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told The (Wilmington) News Journal.
"It looked like something somebody would have rigged up," she said.

I'm sure it went SOMETHING... like... THIS----

Father looks out the window while sipping his morning coffee.
"Awwwwwww Christ."
Mother enters:
"What is it honey?"
"-tsk- The Kanthaks have put up MORE Halloween decorations."
She cranes her head to see through the blinds: "The full scale animated graveyard wasn't enough?"
"Jeez, look at that thing."
"What-- the giant inflatable pumpkin-dinosaur?"
"No no no. Over there off the tree limb."
"The body hanging there?"
"Yeah."
"Oh that's horrible. 'Wish they'd stuck to pumpkin-dinosaurs."
"Horrible but dead on. Look how there's a trickle of excrement down her leg. That's the kind of detail that really sells a decoration....... Puts our scarecrow and jack o'lantern to shame."
"Well what are we supposed to do? Life-cast the kids and make foam doubles that we can bury an axe in?"
They look at each other. Their eyes go wide.
"I'll call EFX Foam."
"I'll Vaseline the kids!"

Insult to Injury...

2005-10-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

Found this article today...

Disgust at dead driver getting parking ticket
21 October 2005
By SELMA MILOVANOVIC
The Melbourne Age

MELBOURNE: An elderly man who had been dead for several days, slumped
over the wheel of his car, was this week issued with a parking fine.

Parking officers from Maroondah City Council in Victoria stuck the fine
on the windscreen of the man's car on Wednesday at the Croydon Market
shopping centre.

A police spokeswoman confirmed that police discovered the deceased man,
71, yesterday and found a parking ticket on the windscreen of his car.
He had been reported missing to police nine days ago and was known to
be seriously ill.

The man's friend, known only as Marie, told radio station 3AW today she
was disgusted by the parking officers' behaviour.

"From what the police had told me, it would have been very obvious he
was deceased so I'm really disgusted."

Victorian Premier Steve Bracks passed on his condolences to the man's
family and friends.

"I think the whole community would be concerned at that sort of
development," Mr Bracks said.

"There will be, as you would expect, a full coronial inquest. The
Coroner will investigate what's happened, the Coroner will make
recommendations, and if required the recommendations will be adopted by
organisations such as councils."

An autopsy will confirm the cause and time of the man's death.

The Maroondah City Council is expected to issue a statement later today.

I'm sure it went down like... THIS---

--tap tap--
"Sir you can't park here."
--tap tap--
"Sir?"
--tap tap--
...
"I'm not messing around here. Move it along or I'll be forced to give
you a ticket."
...
"Sir?"
...
--tap tap tap--
"Sir I've got the pad out now."
...
"Ok, I'm gonna count to 3. One...... two................ "
...
...
"Two and a half.................."
...
...
"Two and 3 quarters........................"
--tap tap--
"Sir? Three."
...
"THREE, Sir!"
--tap tap---
"Ok, you've brought this on yourself."
--scribble scribble, tear--
"Here ya go. I hope you're happy."
--walks away---
"Jeez, it smells like someone hit a possum..."

Found on Flickr...

2005-10-16T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's a shame.
Soon after this picture was taken, this beautiful naked model was crushed by a wild elephant.

A Good Read...

2005-10-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

So I was walking down Hollywood Blvd. on my lunch break, wearing my TV Guide badge and one of the local um, what do you call them... um, oh yeah! Crazy People! One of the local Hollywood Blvd. Crazy People looked at my badge and said “TV Guide. That’s a good book!”
And I thought “Book?”. Is he so crazy he thinks TV Guide is a book?
What a weird read that must be.
"Pg. 52
LOST: Jack attempts to get in the hatch while Hurley tries to stay out of trouble. Matthew Fox, Evangeline Lily, Jorge Garcia.
Two and a Half Men: Ted gets mad that Joe isn’t taking care of the baby. Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer.
"Boy there sure are a lot of characters being introduced. I hope they all have a story arc."
Yes, that's right.
Because in Hollywood, even the Crazy People want the characters to have a story arc.
And man is he going to be mad when he gets to that Crossword Puzzle ending: "Wait... you mean I have to write the last chapter myself??!! This is bullcharge!"
And then he'll proceed to shit himself.

Something to chew on...

2005-10-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

You know how people say they have the "dry heaves"? Well then I guess throwing up is technically the "wet heaves." A good thing to drop in banal cocktail conversation.

Used in a sentence: This guy looks like he's about to have the "wet heaves."

CORONADO!!!

2005-10-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, as we head into the weekend I just want to share with you a few excerpts from the Press Release for the Hallmark Channel production "Coronado."
I assure you no alterations have been made to the material presented. Sometimes comments will be inserted in brackets [brackets are stupid].

-ahem-

The opening line of the press release is: "She promised to follow him to the ends of the earth, but Coronado was off the freakin' map!" ["Freakin'"? Is that completely necessary?]

Other gems:

"The fast paced adventure takes you from Beverly Hills [Oooooo! Exotic BEVERLY HILLS!!!!] to Central America on a thrill ride of intrigue, betrayal, explosions [huh? what?] and your expected third world revolution! [Are those expected? Really?]

"She's a sophisticated girl from the big city. He's a hardened journalist in a foreign land. Yet, together they share an adventure beyond their wildest dreams! Adventure has a name - CORONADO!" [I thought adventure's name was "adventure"? That's why we call it that. If adventure's name were "cat" and you said "Let the cat out." I wouldn't say "You mean let the ADVENTURE out!!!"]

Lastly:
Here are the clip descriptions on the tape:
"CORONADO" - CLIPS
1 - Car Chase [check!]
2 - Airplane blows up bridge [There's one o' dem "thrill rides" they mentioned earlier...]
3 - Rebel base [It's on Endor!!! ENDOOOOOOR!!!!]
4 - Revolution [Ah ha! I EXPECTED that! I'm betting it was a third world too!]
5 - President Hugo Luis Ramos (John Rhys-Davis) tries to escape [Oh John Rhys-Davies... how far ye have fallen. Not only did they misspell your name, but your peaks and valleys are too extreme. From RAIDERS OF THE LOST FREAKIN' (hey, it's necessary!) ARK!!!!... to Sliders... From LORD OF THE FREAKIN' RINGS!!!... to Coronado...]

Enjoy your weekend folks.

P.S.
Coronado can be seen on October 15th (9/8c)... only... on the Hallmark Channel.

Power's Out...

2005-09-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

So the power went out in LA. For me? About a minute. That's all I got. One minute of fun. One minute of hope that I could go home early from my office job.

A friend e-mailed me: "About this 'blackout' we're having all over the news.
Anybody gimme a reading down there?
Up here in La Canada we've seen not a stir..."

So I wrote back:

Kevin, I'm standing here with Mr. Steve Spelko. He works here in Hollywood, right on the boulevard. Steve, why don't you tell our viewers about your experiences.

"Well, I was at work and about 1pm-ish the lights flickered and then went out."

I see. And how did you feel when they went out?

"Elated. It was like a snow day back east. I smiled."

Mm hm. And then what happened?

"Then about a minute later, the power came back on."

How long were you in darkness?

"About a minute."

So, 60 whole seconds?!

"That's right."

My God. And then how did you feel when they came back on?

"Sad."

Mm hm. So what did you do next?

"I turned on my computer again. And then I turned on the news. And they said the power was out."

The power was OUT, yes.

"Um, yes. But not in my building. They said on the news that power was out in the valley, and downtown. And traffic lights were out. And they said that they had an insider who said that someone at the DWP had accidentally cut a cable."

Mmmmm hmmmm. Do you live in the valley?

"Yes I do."

Are you concerned at all as to what might be happening there?

"Yes, I am. I have a bag of frozen berries that I hope are ok."

Mmmmmm hmmmm. Did your family call you?

"No."

So they don't love you, then?

"No, I'm sure they do--"

So "no" then?

"You're standing on my foot."

Mm hm. And how does that make you feel?

"Well it hurts."

There you have it Kevin. Mr. Spelko was sad, his family doesn't love him, and it hurts. Reporting live from Hollywood, I'm Jack Scallywag.

Talking pictures hurt my head...

2005-09-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

I don't watch TV anymore.
Yes, part of it is I don't have time.
But the majority of it is that I don't have time for the intricate plot lines and the religious fervor people have for these shows.

"Have you seen Lost? Oh, man it's so great. You've gotta see it! I never miss it. I'd pull a fire alarm just to be able to be home on time for that show."

"Have you seen 24? Holy crap! It's the best show ever! Have you seen it? You NEED to see it! I'd drop our baby in a deep fryer at 8:59pm just to be on the couch and ready to see that show."

"Desperate Housewives is sooooo good. I'd kill my grandmother with a snow shovel every week to watch that show. It's SOOOOO GOOOD!!!"

Ok.
I got it.
There's a lot of great television on these days. I hear ya.
I just don't have the time. And, frankly... I don't care.

"I'll loan you the entire series on DVD. I have them all!!"

Great. If I ever get hit by a wheelbarrow full of bricks, and am flat on my back for at least a week, I'll take you up on that offer.

For instance: The hit show Desperate Housewives. I haven't seen one episode. Not one.
I HAVE seen Eva Longoria... naked... in my head.
But I haven't started watching this show because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Here's the TV Guide description for the latest episode:

"It's time for residents of Wisteria Lane to pay for assorted crimes and misdemeanors, which means Gaby is about to face the music for cheating on Carlos and we're finally going to get some answers about Mary Alice's suicide. Alfre Woodard joins the cast as the newest neighbor, Betty Applewhite."

Ok, cool, so Betty er, Lane is a musician for Carlos Santana, and that chick from Star Trek: First Contact--wait, Wha--WHAT???

Now here's the TV Guide description of a classic TV show.
A beloved TV show.
Little House on the Prairie...
"Although her father advises against it, Laura tries to tame a racoon."

That's it.
Done and DONE!
I know what I'm getting with these old shows.
I know it's alllllllll going to be wrapped up by the time we hit that half-hour mark, leaving me free to go out and eat a scone, build a church, fondle a claw-hammer, and start-- LIVING.

Trouble at the Border...

2005-08-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'll be traveling with TROOP! to the Vanouver Comedy Fest (which I guess is now called the "CanWest Comedy Fest"--which is good because canned comedy travels and stores better).
ANYWAY, now that we're "living in a post-9/11 world" and I don't have a passport, I wanted to make sure that my papers ver in orda.
Luckily I have my original birth certificate, but because I recently moved, the address on my driver's license is no longer correct.
After perusing the DMV website I came upon this section:

1. Call any DMV office at 1 (800) 777-0133 and request that a change of address form be mailed to you. It will take 5 days for you to receive it. Complete the information required on the form, then mail it to the address listed at the top of the form.

2. Download the Change of Address Form DMV14, complete the information, and mail it to the address listed at the top of the form.

3. Visit any DMV office, complete a change of address form, and give it to a technician. The technician will give you a Change of Address Certificate card (DL 43) to complete and carry with your license.

If you do 1 or 2 above, type or write in ink your new address on a small piece of paper, sign and date it. Carry this piece of paper with your license. Do not tape or staple the change of address information to your driver license. >>

It's this last paragraph that I'd like to dwell on.

A piece of paper?

A PIECE... of... PAPER.

THAT seems official doesn't it?!!

SCENARIO:

Border guard with a large automatic weapon: "What's this sir?"

Stupid comedian who doesn't have a passport: "That's my change of address."

Border guard: "Is this official sir?"

Stupid comedian: "Oh, yes. Yes it is. As you can see I've signed and dated it in the corner there."

Border guard: "..."

Stupid comedian: "I'm very important, that's why I signed it."

Border guard: -click, click-

Stupid comedian: "It's on 'Official Ruled' paper. See the blue lines?"

Border guard: -BLAM!-

Stupid comedian with a bullet hole in his forehead: "I... like... Strange... Brew..."

Stupid comedian slumps over dead.

Border guard kicks the corpse into the storm drain.

Border guard lightly spattered with crimson: "Next, eh!"

The Indian Heads...

2005-08-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

A friend was telling me how his in-laws were visiting and he needed to dig out of the closet a giant sword that he was given as a gift to pretend that they had it up all the time, when, in fact, it's scary and ugly and they hate it. It reminded me of these American Indian (Native American? Indian? Someone please give me a PC update) candle busts that we received. Here's the deal:

My Aunt & Uncle in Wyoming sent my parents these two bronze-PAINTED (that is, not actually bronzed) wax candles of two Native Americans. There was a man and a woman. They had the drawn, depressed, faces of weather-beaten, "you've taken our land" Indians. With wicks coming out the top of their heads.

They were ugly and depressing to look at. And the thought of actually LIGHTING the candles and watching this poor couple melt like they've seen the inside of the Lost Ark was too horrifying (and hysterical) for my parents to handle.

So into the closet they went. The hall closet. On the top shelf. Behind my mother's bags of craft projects she was going to one day finish.

Well, needless to say, whenever the time came that my Aunt & Uncle would visit-- out came the Indian Heads. They sat on either end of the bookshelf in the living room. And though they walked past them whenever they visited. They, themselves, never mentioned the objects. Nothing. You'd expect at least a "Huh. There's those Indian heads we gave you. Good to see that they're displayed like you care."

When enough time had passed and my parents realized that the chance of Uncle Johnny and Aunt Gretchen ever visiting again was slim to nil, the "Indian Heads" (as my family affectionately called them) were put up for sale at a local Yard Sale. Though many looked, there weren't any immediate takers. And it was a hot day. Hot.

So hot in fact that the candles began to melt in the summer sun.

So over the course of the day, my mom and sister would take a gander at the Indian Heads from time to time to push the sagging nose up, or touch up that long chin. --On the fly plastic surgery for depressed American Indians.

Well towards the end of the day, a woman DID show up and purchase the heads. Yard Sale Retail Value... one dollar apiece.

Epilogue: The heads' legacy is not lost. Usually once a Christmas the "Remember the Indian Heads?" conversation will start up over a post-turkey and gravy, pre-food coma portion of the evening.

My mother even got on the radio when a local station (WHUD... "Beautiful music... Stereo 101") had a call in portion of their show one December asking people to call in with their "Worst Christmas gift they ever received."

She didn't win anything, but she was one of the few featured callers on the program.

My point: These gifts serve a purpose. Although initial instinct is that they're terrible. In the long run, it's going to make for some great stories.

That's why I give stupid gifts. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pre-order a "Crouch" for my sister. It's a crapper and a couch. Blue.

The end.

Go to sleep.

The Drawer...

2005-08-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

You know how everybody has one of those drawers?
You know what I mean, the drawer that holds all the ketchup packets, and salt and peppers, and tacos sauces, and soy sauces, and anything else you have leftover from take-out food?
Why do we have this?
Because I gotta tell ya: it's not like the eateries are running out of that stuff. It's not like you're pulling up to the drive-thru and saying "Oh, hey! Can I have some ketchups for my fries?" and the guy just looks at you and slowly shakes his head. "Sorry, dude. All out." he'd say. "Haven't you heard? Arabs are controlling the ketchup flow."
And then suddenly there's this ketchup packet economy that's created. People are buying and selling Humvees for 5 ketchups and a McDonald's honey mustard. And you think, "THIS. This is what I've been saving for. Fast Food Thunderdome."

Some would say "Oh I save them for when they forget to put them in." Ok. But if you get home and find that you're missing your ketchup, you're going to go to the fridge and get the plastic bottle of Heinz. Not dig through the back of a drawer to find that lint covered packet. After all, the Heinz in the fridge may be half empty, but it makes that wet fart gasp when you squeeze it. That's fun, right? Let's see a packet try and make that sound.
And the packets we keep aren't even the good stuff. Take a look at some of those packets. Your ketchup probably isn't even Heinz or (God forbid) Hunts. It's more than likely "Grade A Fancy Catsup" which, if we consult our bullshit to english dictionary equals "Crap."

Others would say: "I keep them for emergencies."
Emergencies?
Like... when the big one hits?
Yes, I know I've already eaten all the fun stuff out of my earthquake kit. Look, I've tried 3 times to keep that sucker stocked, but it was late and I wanted an energy bar, a canned ham, and a jug of water.
If society falls apart due to some major catastrophe and I have to live more than an hour on some stale fortune cookies, a Taco Bell "Fiery Hot" sauce, and for desert: sugar... kill me. Kill me dead. And take those items and buy yourself a mansion. I hear plum sauce is worth 40 grand on the "Post-Apocalyptic Packet Market."

In Hiding...

2005-08-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

Someday I'd like to be "in hiding."

But it makes me wonder, when you're "in hiding" are people supposed to try and find you? Is it like the adult version of "Hide and Seek?" Because if you announce you're "in hiding" you're almost declaring that you want to be found.

"Try and find me! I'm 'in hiding!'"

If you don't announce you're "in hiding" people would just try and contact you and you wouldn't call them back.

Then they'd think you were a jerk.

You could lose all your friends if you don't declare that you're "in hiding."

This is a test...

2005-08-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, you're reading a test post. Isn't this exciting? You're still reading, waiting for something interesting to happen, but nothing yet. But perhaps there's a big payoff at the end of this post? What if? What if there's something so hysterically funny at the end of this post that you'll want to send the link to all your friends and family (including that grandmother who thinks Apple computers were created by Satan... what do you mean you don't get it? Satan was a snake in the Garden of Eden. He tempted Eve to bite the apple. Apple computers. C'mon!). Well guess what? There's nothing here. Welcome to my first blog post. Yippee freakin' doo.